Week 11 Sens Preview: Classic Rock Edition

By Chris "Brochenski" and Capital Gains

All photoshops done by the one and only Capital Gains
Welcome to a super special edition of your weekly Bonk's Mullet preview! This week we mix it up by writing in the style of Rolling Stone magazine album reviews!

New Releases

Cameron Comes Alive! - 3 1/2 Stars

 


After the dismissal of Paul MacLean, the Sens promoted assistant coach and former Binghamton Senator head coach Dave Cameron into the spotlight. After losing his first game to the Kings, Cameron would make his presence felt, making Chris Phillips a healthy scratch against the Bruins in what would turn out to be his first career win as an NHL Head Coach. He also saluted the crowd by riffing a wicked guitar solo after the game. Congratulations, Dave!

The Lines They Are a-Changin' (Reissue) - 5 Stars

 


At the time the album was released, we totally would have given Paul MacLean a rating of 3 1/2 stars, but looking back, it's hard to deny that those weren't just the best of times! I mean, who could ever forget classic tracks like "Player 61", "Michel Therrien losing his shit over MacLean's timeout",  "Taking the Rangers to 7 in 2012", and "Jack Adams, Bitch"? Nothing but the best of wishes to the man behind the 'stache.

The Rise And Fall Of Mika Zibanejad and The Spiders From Mars - 3 1/2 Stars

 


After a slow start to the season, some were beginning to question whether or not Zibanejad would ever live up to his potential. With Michalek injured, MacLean would move Chaisson to Smith's line, and put Hoffman and Ryan on Zibanejad's wing. As a result, both Zibanejad and Ryan would play their best hockey of the season, combining for 22 shots and 4 goals in their next 3 games. Not to mention Ryan's highlight reel goal against L.A., as well as scoring the shootout winner on Sunday.

Wish You Were Here (34 Shots Against Per Game Edition) - 3 1/2 Stars

 


The Sens defense has been bad even by Paul MacLean-era standards. Enough of Borowiecki and Phillips on the top pairing, this team needs Methot back in the line-up for good.

Upcoming Releases

Tyler Ennis and The Hard Tankers - Monday, December 15th

 

"Damn The Lottery"
To the shock of pretty much everybody on the face of the earth, the Buffalo Sabres have put together a nice little streak, winning 9 of their last 12 games. Now, I know it's fun to cheer for the underdog and all, but the reality is that this is still a terrible team. Despite the hot streak, they still only managed a score-adjusted Fenwick of 40% throughout their last 12 games (courtesy of fenwick-stats.com).

The Sens haven't played the Sabres yet this season, and tonight will be their first of four match-ups, which I guess is good for both teams. Hopefully the Sens pick up a much needed 2 points and don't get scored on by Chris Stewart.

Darkness On The Edge of The Wild Card - Wednesday, December 17th

 


Just like each of the past two seasons, the Devils currently find themselves sitting a few spots out of the last wild card spot in the East. Things have gotten so bad that they've decided that what this team needs is Scott Gomez. Last time Gomez was with the Devils, he was actually a good player, and the Devils were a good, yet boring team. Ten years later and both Gomez and the Devils are terrible. Tragically, the team is still boring. 

Unfortunately with Brian Gionta in Buffalo, we'll never get to see the undersized duo unite one last time. Nonetheless, Brian's younger brother Stephen and his whopping 11 career goals should provide enough offensive support for Gomez on the Devils' 4th line.

Mr. Quarantine Man - Friday, December 19th

 


The most recent victim of the NHL's mumps outbreak is the Penguins' Sidney Crosby, making him the 13th NHL player to have been infected. The outbreak started in Anaheim, with Corey Perry and Francois Beauchemin being the first players to be infected. The Ducks' false flag operation and subsequent strategy of making the rest of the league sick has apparently been a resounding success, as they currently hold the top spot in the league with a 5 point lead. Just in case the team didn't already have enough weird things going around the locker room, Anaheim just signed Ilya Bryzgalov to a one-year contract.

Fortunately for the Senators, they will play a Ducks team that will be without both Perry and Brewer, and possibly Beauchemin. There's also possibility of seeing Dany Heatley once again, who is currently on fire in his AHL conditioning stint with a solid zero goals and zero assists in two games. Keep up the good work buddy!

Bergevin (or The Rise and Fall of a Hockey Empire) - Saturday, December 20th

 


Fortunately for the Montreal forwards who don't like getting beaten up, these two rivals have somehow not faced each other yet this year. Once again the Habs are good team, with much of their success coming from superstar netminder Carey Price.

Other noteworthy storyline is that the Sens get to face former Senator Sergei Gonchar, who is on quite a tear this year, already just one goal behind his grand total of two from the year before!!!! Rumour has it if he beats that total the Habs will retire his number!!!!! Yyyeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh bbbuddddddddddddddaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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