BREAKING: LA Kings retroactively named 2016 Stanley Cup Champions

Thursday, June 23, 2016

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)




The NHL handed out its awards Wednesday night in a ceremony that was even more cringe-inducing than usual (if you can believe that). The reason for the increased cringe factor was twofold: firstly, Drew Doughty was given his first Norris trophy. And secondly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL retroactively re-awarded the Stanley Cup.

Let's take a closer look at that first thing: Doughty, who began complaining that he was owed a Norris trophy while the 2015-16 season was still in its infancy, finally walked away with his hard won prize last night in Las Vegas. I was in the crowd, and Doughty's win was met with... well, mostly just indifference, honestly. Turns out, no one in Vegas really cares about this stuff. But most people did applaud. I think I even saw one PHWA member quietly mouth the words 'you're welcome'. I myself, however, was properly appalled. Why?

This past season, Erik Karlsson scored the most points by any defenceman in 20 years, and was also the first defenceman to lead the league in assists in 40 years. He didn't just prove that he was the best defenceman to play this season... he proved that he is one of the best defencemen to play EVER.

So what kind of season did Doughty have, you ask? I mean, in order to topple Karlsson, one would assume that he must have done something equally earth-shattering, no? Maybe he just plain got super defensive. Like, maybe he registered the most blocked shots in a season ever? Maybe he killed a penalty single-handedly while barefoot? Or maybe he tried to justify voting Drew Doughty for the Norris trophy?

No, Drew actually didn't do much this season.

His supporters consistently give two reasons why they voted for him: (1) on a good team, his +/- was pretty good. Like, he was on the ice ALOT while other players were doing good things. And (2) come on, the guy really wanted to win it! How can you say no to that face?!

Regardless, Doughty sauntered up there last night, collected his gift, and we in the crowd bravely continued acting like these awards have any merit at all. But that was when Gary Bettman stepped back to the mic and made a surprise announcement that broke our brains...

"Drew? Hold on there, slugger. Get back up here. Come on, big guy. We've got a little surprise for you."

As a puzzled Doughty returned to the stage, something else joined him. A large object was wheeled out, hidden beneath a black velvet cloth.

"Now, Drew... some of our friends in the PHWA have told me that you've been a little down in the dumps lately," Bettman continued. "We know this season didn't end the way you hoped, so we got together and arranged something special for you. On behalf of both the NHL and the PHWA, I am extremely proud to declare the Los Angeles Kings the 2016 Stanley Cup Champions!"

With a flourish, Bettman pulled back the black velvet cloth, revealing the gleaming Stanley Cup. This was met with... honestly, it was pretty much just indifference again (people in Vegas really do not care about hockey, I cannot stress this enough), but a few writers here and there erupted in jubilant applause as Doughty hoisted the Cup above his head. Beside me, one of them shouted "Good for you, big guy! I love you!"

I turned to him and asked "What in the Hell is going on right now?" Tears streaming down his face, he replied "You didn't see the little tyke's face when Pittsburgh won... lower lip all tremblin' like it was... I mean, what were we supposed to do? Let Drew be sad? Fat chance! YOU EARNED THIS, SPORT!"

The NHL Entry Draft takes place June 24th. Free agency begins on July 1st. The new season opens October 12th.

Drew Doughty's campaign to win the 2017 Norris trophy starts NOW.

Sens Right Now 003 - 2016 Draft Preview Special

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)


How the Sens can have the PERFECT summer

Thursday, June 16, 2016

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)


NOTE: This article is sponsored by the biggest film of the summer, "SUICIDE SQUAD", in theaters nationwide August 5th

Another long NHL season is finally over, and another spoiled franchise that everybody hates has again captured hockey's ultimate prize. Yuck. 

But this is meant to be a happy article, so force that surge of vomit back down your throat and let's look on the bright side: the offseason is officially here! And between the Senators getting a new coach, losing an old defenseman, and Erik Karlsson randomly just flaunting his ripped bod, lots has already happened. But what else should happen? How can the Senators turn this summer into the BEST. SUMMER. EVER?? 

As usual, I have all the answers:


MIKE HOFFMAN GETS SIGNED LONG TERM

At this point, I think everyone but Dave Cameron understands that Mike Hoffman is one of the NHL's elite goal-scorers, regardless of which metric you use. Hoffman is currently a restricted free agent, and after playing through the 2015-16 season on a measly $2M contract that was awarded by an arbitrator, you can bet that Hoffman will be looking to cash in. So if the Senators truly want to have the most radical summer in franchise history, they're going to have to pay the price, no matter how steep.


@Gerv_Rebrand
ALEX CHIASSON IS TRADED... TO THE DAMN SUN!!1!

Oh, you thought this was going to be a serious article?? 

PRANKED YA

NOTE: This seriously deranged joke has been brought to you in the style of Jared Leto's Joker. See him in action on August 5th in "SUICIDE SQUAD" #itsgoodtobebad #darkcarnivalofsouls

For real though, Alex Chiasson is probably a good guy, but he is worse at hockey than everyone else on the team so please get rid of him if at all possible. Thank you. 


@Gerv_Rebrand
CURTIS LAZAR CATCHES THE ICE CREAM TRUCK ON HIS BICYCLE

After years of trying and routinely coming up short, Curtis Lazar can have the most bodacious summer of his life by getting on his brand new bike and pedaling his little heart out the moment he hears that creepy jingle coming down his street. Nothing would make him feel more accomplished going into next year than securing a nice cold fudgesicle on sweltering day, or perhaps one of those baseball gloves where the baseball itself is actually a little gumball embedded in the popsicle. Do they still make those? I don't know, but I know who can find out: my friend Curti (that is not a typo, that is his nickname).


@Gerv_Rebrand
CRAIG ANDERSON FINALLY REMEMBERS TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND DOESN'T GET A VERY BAD SUNBURN ON HIS SCALP FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Craig Anderson, infamous for being injury-prone, can reverse that reputation and have the most tubular summer on record by simply rubbin' some sunscreen on his dome. For once, don't come to camp with a bunch of blisters and peeling skin up there, Craig! Lather that bad boy up or simply throw a hat on, my man! YOU CAN DO THIS!!


CHRIS WIDEMAN ISN'T MISTAKEN FOR THE GUY WHO PLAYS JARED ON HBO'S SILICON VALLEY

Because it would really suck for Chris if he was.


MIKE KOSTKA IS MISTAKEN FOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Because that would be really dope for Mike if he was.


THE WHOLE SENATORS ORGANIZATION GOES TO SEE SUICIDE SQUAD IN THEATERS ON AUGUST 5TH

NOTE: I have been compensated handsomely by the creators of "SUICIDE SQUAD"

Sens Right Now 002 - World Championships

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)



bRian's Bodycheckz #3 Welcome Bruce Boudreau!

Sunday, May 15, 2016


I'd like to personally welcome Bruce Boudreau to the Ottawa Senators with my wicked video

Sens Right Now 001 - New Coaches

Monday, May 9, 2016

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)


Meet the next coach of the Ottawa Senators

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)


NEWS FLASH: the Ottawa Senators sucked bad this year. How bad? Well, they were fifth-worst overall in terms of goals allowed. They also had the fifth-worst power play. They were fourth-worst in terms of shots per game, and also had the second-worst penalty kill. Oh, right... and they were the ABSOLUTE-WORST in shots against per game. So, all things considered: yeah. They sucked.

But whose fault was it? Was it GM Bryan Murray's fault: the man who traded away both Jason Spezza and Ben Bishop for practically nothing? Was it coach Dave Cameron's fault: the man who played Mark Borowiecki as a forward while benching the team's top goal-scorer? Or was it, perhaps, Matt O'Connor's fault: the man who literally ruined our whole season just as it began.

Well, regardless of whose fault it truly was, a couple of people have already paid the price. In a totally-not-smoke-and-mirrors move, Murray "stepped down" as GM (despite Eugene Melnyk later saying that Murray would have the authority to 'correct' his successor, Pierre Dorion). Cameron was also fired, allegedly to be replaced with the best coach money could buy (despite Melnyk later saying that he wasn't willing to spend much and that coaches don't really matter). So Ottawa's troubles are over, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Alright, let's just pretend for a second that getting a new coach could actually fix this nightmare. Who's available? What have they accomplished? And how likely is it that they'll get the job? Well, the next coach of the Ottawa Senators is probably listed below... can YOU pick them out??


DANIEL ALFREDSSON

Pros: Alfredsson is the greatest player to have ever worn a Senators jersey. Throughout his career, he routinely showed that he was a natural teacher, and he enjoys a strong relationship with Ottawa's current players. Since his retirement, Alfredsson has been making calculated moves, and a stint as head coach could be a natural next step.

Cons: Alfredsson doesn't actually have any coaching experience, let alone at the NHL level. If the Senators truly want to put a stop to the revolving door of coaches, they'd be better served to go with a more experienced candidate.

Likelihood: Pretty good. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario where Melnyk drives Alfredsson out of town by offering him too little money...


MARC CRAWFORD

Pros: Crawford has coached for parts of 15 NHL seasons. He won the both the Jack Adams and its AHL equivalent. He also won a Stanley Cup.

Cons: Crawford committed one of the worst hockey blunders of all time: he didn't use Wayne Gretzky in the shootout in Nagano. And there was also that Steve Moore stuff...

Likelihood: Also pretty good. Crawford has been coaching in Switzerland for the past few years and is probably pretty desperate to get back to the big show. All Melynk would have to do is pay more than they do in the Swiss National League and... oh. Shoot.


BOUSE BOUDREAU

Pros: Boudreau is a pretty good coach. So good, in fact, that he's actually currently employed. Boudreau reached 200 career wins faster than any other coach in modern history, and also currently holds the third-highest winning percentage in NHL history (among coaches with at least 100 games of experience).

Cons: Last time Boudreau got fired, someone else snapped him up in just two days, so if he actually does get fired again, competition will probably be fierce. And when there's competition, prices, like... go up. Or something (I did not do well in economics class).

Likelihood: Zero. Melnyk is not going to pay for a coach of this caliber.


KEN HITCHCOCK

Pros: Having coached for parts of 19 NHL seasons, Ken Hitchcock has more experience than anyone else on this list. He's also won the Jack Adams and a Stanley Cup. He is currently coaching the St. Louis Blues, but should they suffer their fouth-straight first-round exit this spring, expect to see him hit the market.

Cons: Hitchcock likes his teams to play a very 'safe' game, and may be more comfortable coaching a defenceman who is content to just hunker down in his own zone and blindly slap the puck outta there. Does LA have an opening?

Likelihood: This is where I reiterate that Melnyk is cheap.


MIKE YO

Pros: I honestly didn't know who this was, but I overheard his name so much that I felt obligated to include him. So, a quick search told me that Mike Yo is a Russian rapper. I'm not really sure how people think this qualifies him to be an NHL coach, but I am sure that his debut album, "Rap for honor very strong Putin", was TURNT.

Cons: His sophomore album, "Rap only between man and woman", was significantly less TURNT...

Likelihood: Come on, folks... Melnyk is not going to pay big, golden belt money.


FATHER MULDOON

Pros: Made all Ottawa Senators lineup decisions for the past two years.

Cons: Those decisions were very bad.

Likelihood: I can only assume that he and Melnyk are on very bad terms these days, so this one seems unlikely.



GENE JUNIOR

Pros: Melnyk's prized horse. Possesses all the qualities that the Senators organization treasures:
- big, strong, local boy
- gritty, hard worker
- knows about being reined in
- will work for peanuts. Well... hay, technically.

Cons: Someone still has to buy the hay, dammit!!

Likelihood: HIGH. I, for one, welcome our new horse overlord. I mean, why go crazy in the business of hockey? I don't think a coach can make that much of a difference. I really don't.