Bloggers Wanted: Please Write For Our Dumb Website

Thursday, September 3, 2015

by Bonk's Mullet

Hey folks! Hope you've had a great summer.

I'll be honest with you. After the loss of David Legwand, we considered shutting this site down altogether. Why even follow a Legwand-less Senators squad? I'm still searching for answers.

Anyway, if you're still into the Sens, it's likely that is your home page. We're still working on an app that makes our site the wallpaper of your phone, but for now you'll have to keep taking screenshots and updating your wallpaper with each new post. I apologize for the inconvenience.

While we're developing that, we thought we'd put out a call for new writers. Many of our staff have moved on to other worthy ventures such as new careers, attending university, or free-form jazz slam poetry. With that in mind, I'd like to put out an open call for new writers for our site.

We've already added bRian and Rob to the site for the upcoming season, but there's still room on the bench for a few more folks.

"Job" Description

  • Write humour articles, produce videos, make comics, create photoshops, etc. You're free to make anything that is funny and Sens-related. We don't do serious posts because there's other blogs that do that much better, so really make sure these are humour articles only.
  • There's no minimum requirement for posting. It's all up to you as to how much you'll be involved. We're not in this business to make money.
  • Oh yes, you won't make money.
  • You may also get to help organize Sens Summer Fan Fest, the Sens Blogger Classic, Sens Money on the Board, and various other Sens blogosphere-related event

To Apply

  • To apply, send me one or two sample blog posts for the type of content you'd like to produce for the site. If you're interesting in writing blogs, try to keep the sample posts between 500 and 2000 words.
  • Please submit these posts to by Friday, September 18th. I'll still accept entries after this date, but I'll be much madder at you.
  • I should stress again that this isn't actually a job. In fact it will likely cost you more that it will help you.
So that's it! Details to follow on our Bring Back David Legwand Rally at Parliament Hill.

Inspired by Andrew Hammond, Leafs’ Bernier Set to Debut New Mask

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

By Rob Poirier

Ever since Jacques Plante first slipped on his iconic mask in 1959, the headwear of NHL goalies has been a topic of much debate. Over the years, critics have described these colorful designs as everything from glorious to garish (Cam Ward’s Nickelback tribute mask comes to mind), but there is one thing that most agree on: a proper goalie mask gives fans a glimpse into the psyche of the goalie himself.

Goaltenders often bear this in mind when having their masks painted, and choose to immortalize those who have helped them to get where they are. This can be a family member, a favorite athlete, or simply a person who embodies sought-after qualities, such as perseverance and bravery. Such is the case in Ottawa, where Senators goaltender Andrew Hammond will honor local hero, "butterfly child" Jonathan Pitre with a subtle butterfly design this season.

Meanwhile, just down the 401, Maple Leafs goaltender Jonathan Bernier is preparing to honour a hero of his own, with a brand new mask that will showcase the men that inspired him to get into the game of hockey.

Definitely real image provided by @Capital_Gains65
As Bernier said in an interview last year, "[Nelson Mandela] is one of the most known athletes in the world. Everyone knows him from being the type of person he was off the ice and on the ice."

But Bernier isn’t stopping there. While meeting with the media this week, the young goaltender suggested that he might be looking to double-down... "I’ve seen the mask. She's a beauty. There's still some room on 'er though. I might be able to add another one of my hockey heroes..."

Once again, excellent photography by @Capital_Gains65
"Gandhi was a beast on the ice. Always played hungry. Always hungry." Bernier hopes to unveil the new mask at training camp in a just few short weeks.

Editor's note: Please welcome Rob Poirier (@RobFeature) to the blog! In addition to bRian, Rob is one of our new writers this season. Rob has previously written a guest post for our site that was a favourite amongst Habs fans.

BREAKING: Bonk's Mullet signs bRian5or6 to a long-term blogging deal

Friday, August 14, 2015

by Bonk's Mullet and bRian5or6

Hi everyone. Mullet here. It's been a long and quiet summer here at Bonk's Mullet, but we have a big announcement today! Please welcome bRian5or6 to the blog. bRian is known for his succinct writing style, general eloquence, and his well behaved grandmother. Give @bRian5or6 a follow on Twitter. Have a great weekend, and make sure to check out the Sens Summer Fan Fest on Sunday. We'll have several representatives at the event for you to drink beer or pineapple juice with. Without further ado, here is bRian:

Good evening,

For those of you who don’t know me, here’s the scoop: I graduated from college and I live in my Granny’s basement. Ok... no, that’s a lie. I did not graduate from college. However, I have read the Twilight series... twice... and I watch the PBS on occasion... soo...  okay, what else?

Oh, I was born and raised proper in the South of England where my day job was solely to taste-test crumpets and tea... No... nope, no that’s not true either. I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous here. A little sweaty.

Ok, so the gentleman you refer to as, "Bonk's Mullet" has entrusted me to carry on my fine tradition of vlogging. Here's some of my finest work according to Granny:

The only thing though: he’s paying me in Snickers. I was all, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" and then I yelled, "WHERE DO I SIGN?!" So, I officially signed a 30-year contract and he now owns my car and a portion of my house. Small price to pay, really, if you think about it.

Well, that’s about it. If you have any questions, then you should probably ask someone else because I probably don’t know the answer. I look forward to providing inaccurate data and badly mistaken season predictions.



Mike Wheeler's Official 2015 NHL Entry Draft Rankings

Thursday, June 25, 2015

by Head of RBM Scouting, Mike Wheeler

and Junior Vice President of Hockey Operations, Bonk's Mullet

with graphics by Capital Gains

If you're looking for the definitive guide to the 2015 NHL Entry Draft, you've come to the right place. Junior hockey insider and head of RBM Scouting, Mike Wheeler, breaks down the entire first round in what is sure to be one of the deepest drafts in years.

1. Edmonton Oilers - Connor McDavid
The Edmonton Oilers finally get the chance to draft a skilled forward that will turn the whole team around when they take Connor "Wayne Gretzky" McDavid with the first overall pick. Start planning multiple Stanley Cup parades, Edmonton, because this future Hall-of-Famer is going to have an immediate impact right away guaranteed.

2. Buffalo Sabres - Jack Eichel
Described as a "less-Canadian Connor McDavid," Jack Eichel is no consolation prize, this guy is the real deal. Tim Murray and the Buffalo Sabres will not have a difficult decision facing them with the second overall pick.

EXCLUSIVE: What Hammond will say if he wins the Masterton

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

by Joe Boughner

The Masterton trophy in all of its glory.
Nah, just kidding, this is the Lady Byng.
Admit it, you didn't know.
The eyes of the hockey world turn to ... Las Vegas? Again? Come on, NHL, stop trying to make this happen... tonight for the annual NHL Awards. And while Sens fans have largely focused on the Norris and the Calder, where Erik Karlsson and Mark Stone hope to bring home some hardware, a third Senator is up for recognition: Masterton nominee Andrew Hammond.

Is he going to win? Probably not. Fellow nominee Kris Letang had a hole in his heart, people. A HOLE IN HIS HEART. But wouldn't you like to know what Hammond would say if he did pull of the upset?

The RBM crew has your back, kids.

Turns out that our sparking insight and witty turns of phrase haven't gone unnoticed by Senators' personnel as Hammond himself reached out and asked us to prepare his speech for him. Hear that, Dellow? It's not just you stats junkies that get work in the big show!

Anyway, Hammond may be good at stopping pucks and warming hearts but he's terrible at reading the fine print in hastily-drafted employment contracts. Should've asked for exclusivity, Andrew.

Here is your exclusive first look at what Hammond will say if he's handed the hardware tonight in Vegas.

Acceptance speech

Ladies and gentlemen, professional hockey writers, let me start by thanking each and every one of you.  This is a real honour for me.

Even going back to my college days, I was never the Big Mac on campus. I've always had to work McDoublely hard to get where I am today and it's nice to have that work recognized.

Looking back on the incredible run of the Senators this year, I'm overcome by a McFlurry of emotions. I felt like a bit of a Filet O'Fish out of water when I took over the net - Andy and Lehner have always been great to me and it was hard to see them get hurt - but the team never looked at me like a small fry.

Some have said we must have had Shamrock Shakes in our locker stalls; that our run was simply a lucky break. But we hash browned it out internally and we knew that if we went out there with a Big Breakfast in our bellies and Quarter Poundered our opponents, we'd McWrap up some wins and leave our doubters Grimacing in the corner. It's that sort of McNugget of wisdom that made Coach Cameron such a success.

So thank you once again. I know that Letang and Dubnyk feel robbled right now but they deserve this award just as much as I do. It's a Super-Size honour to be nominated with you, fellas!


Garbage bag day for the RBM crew

Monday, May 4, 2015

by an actual journalist, let's say

With the last of the formal events of the Ottawa Senators' season slipping into the rearview, the RBM crew got together one last time on a Google Hangout while they cleared their stuff out of the closets in their mothers' basements.

"It's disappointing, obviously," admitted rookie blogger Joe "McLlwain's World" Boughner. "You never want to be the bloggers clearing out your stuff after the first round."

Boughner denied a persistent rumour that he was battling a nagging back injury through the final stretch of games.

"I'm just old and move slowly," said Boughner, stuffing a stale doughnut and a tower of empty Tim Hortons cups into a trash bag. "That's also the reason I'm not one of the finalists for Rookie Blogger of the Year in that Faces Magazine thing... too old."

"Yea, that's the problem," muttered Mike Wheeler.
George Marshall was unable to attend the hangout after
grossly misunderstanding what "Garbage Bag Day" means.
Police say charges are pending.

"Eff you, Wheeler," replied Boughner before squinting his eyes and looking around his screen for the mute button. "I can't never find that danged button. Why do they have to make them so small?"

For his part, Wheeler said his focus was on the future.

"I'm bummed, sure, but I've got an entire external hard drive full of gifs to be used in extremely specific situations and half-written Tweets ready for next year," Wheeler explained. "I'm going to be... coming in hot... come training camp."

"Get it?" added Wheeler. "Coming in hot! Like Bobby Ryan said that one time! Guys? Am I lagging? I don't think you can hear me. Guys? I said coming in hot! Guys? Oh look, there's my Wii U controller!"

After what was considered by most to be a rebuilding year for the blog, even the elusive Matty Go Sens and Capital Gains took some time to right-click > Empty Trash on a season's worth of unused photoshops.

"It's just time to get rid of some old ideas that never worked out," said Matty. "Like this cast photo of Home Improvement except it's Sens players. Actually, I'll probably keep that one."

Gainsy was also getting in on the hard drive cleaning.

"Time to trash some old stuff that I'm not going to use. Like this folder called just gold chains. Or this picture of Alf and Pikachu riding a surfboard except Alf is Eugene Melnyk and Pikachu is Stephane Da Costa and the surfboard is Alfredsson... Never mind, I'll definitely use this."

Veterans like Steve On Sens, meanwhile, were plagued by questions about what their futures held.

"I've loved my time here in Ottawa, no doubt," said On Sens. "But you get to a point in your career when you sorta want to see what else is out there. So we'll see."

On Sens then appeared to be listening to someone slightly off camera.

"I, uh, have to go to now. My mom says no internet after 8:30 pm on a school night. Someone tell Brochenski I won't be there for cold ones."

While On Sens wondered about his future as a curfew-less blogger, fellow veteran presence Kevin Lee admitted his performance was hampered by injury down the stretch.

"The doctors are calling it 'eye strain,'" said Lee. "Evidently you can get it by staring too intently at autographed sweaters on eBay trying to see if they're authentic."

Lee then showed off a new pair of tinted sunglasses he was trying out to help cut down on the bright screen glare.

Team captain Bonk's Mullet, asked about his team's early post-season exit, was contemplative.

"We had a strong season at the keyboards, but in the end, we didn't get the key retweets when we needed them most. We ran into a hot Game of Thrones episode that took the crowd out of it early."

Asked about the future of the team on the ice, Mullet continued.

"We have a great leadership group surrounded by young talent. Pavs, Nik, and Z have really stepped it up since Lidstrom retired. -- What? Yeah, well of course I defected to the Wings. It's what great leaders do."

How to Cost the Sens a Game

Thursday, April 30, 2015

by Capital Gains

The last tutorial of the season teaches you 3 different ways to make the Sens lose a game, using Photoshop! See you all next year!

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)

Previous Tutorials:

David Legwand Photoshop Tutorial
How to make Curtis Lazar sad in Photoshop
How to put Sleeves on Marc Methot in Photoshop
How to Make Andrew Hammond The Hamburglar