Lazar Defends Phillips Household from Burglary

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

by Mike Wheeler

Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.

Curtis Lazar is once again being praised for his heroism this week, but this time it’s not for looking decent while playing with the Senators’ bottom-six forwards. Much has been said about the rookie centre moving in with the family of veteran defenceman Chris Phillips this season, and now Curtis is not only helping out around the house by doing dishes and shovelling the driveway, but he is also thwarting attempted burglaries.

Curtis Lazar is being called a hero today for his actions off the ice.
(Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.)

Lazar appeared relaxed as he spoke to the media earlier today, "It's just just one of those things, you know? Philly's got some free time on his hands now that he doesn't have to play as much, so he was taking the whole family for a little Christmas vacation to Paris. I was asleep up in the attic - as usual - and they just sort of forgot me." Lazar explained that when he realized he was alone in the house, he was nervous at first, but then grew to enjoy his independence. "Yeah, I got to jump up and down on the bed, I made a huge sundae, and I even tried aftershave for the first time. Huge mistake! All in all, it was pretty fun, actually."

Week 11 Sens Preview: Classic Rock Edition

Monday, December 15, 2014

By Chris "Brochenski" and Capital Gains

All photoshops done by the one and only Capital Gains
Welcome to a super special edition of your weekly Bonk's Mullet preview! This week we mix it up by writing in the style of Rolling Stone magazine album reviews!

New Releases

Cameron Comes Alive! - 3 1/2 Stars


After the dismissal of Paul MacLean, the Sens promoted assistant coach and former Binghamton Senator head coach Dave Cameron into the spotlight. After losing his first game to the Kings, Cameron would make his presence felt, making Chris Phillips a healthy scratch against the Bruins in what would turn out to be his first career win as an NHL Head Coach. He also saluted the crowd by riffing a wicked guitar solo after the game. Congratulations, Dave!

The Lines They Are a-Changin' (Reissue) - 5 Stars


At the time the album was released, we totally would have given Paul MacLean a rating of 3 1/2 stars, but looking back, it's hard to deny that those weren't just the best of times! I mean, who could ever forget classic tracks like "Player 61", "Michel Therrien losing his shit over MacLean's timeout",  "Taking the Rangers to 7 in 2012", and "Jack Adams, Bitch"? Nothing but the best of wishes to the man behind the 'stache.

The Rise And Fall Of Mika Zibanejad and The Spiders From Mars - 3 1/2 Stars


After a slow start to the season, some were beginning to question whether or not Zibanejad would ever live up to his potential. With Michalek injured, MacLean would move Chaisson to Smith's line, and put Hoffman and Ryan on Zibanejad's wing. As a result, both Zibanejad and Ryan would play their best hockey of the season, combining for 22 shots and 4 goals in their next 3 games. Not to mention Ryan's highlight reel goal against L.A., as well as scoring the shootout winner on Sunday.

Wish You Were Here (34 Shots Against Per Game Edition) - 3 1/2 Stars


The Sens defense has been bad even by Paul MacLean-era standards. Enough of Borowiecki and Phillips on the top pairing, this team needs Methot back in the line-up for good.

Upcoming Releases

Tyler Ennis and The Hard Tankers - Monday, December 15th


"Damn The Lottery"
To the shock of pretty much everybody on the face of the earth, the Buffalo Sabres have put together a nice little streak, winning 9 of their last 12 games. Now, I know it's fun to cheer for the underdog and all, but the reality is that this is still a terrible team. Despite the hot streak, they still only managed a score-adjusted Fenwick of 40% throughout their last 12 games (courtesy of

The Sens haven't played the Sabres yet this season, and tonight will be their first of four match-ups, which I guess is good for both teams. Hopefully the Sens pick up a much needed 2 points and don't get scored on by Chris Stewart.

Darkness On The Edge of The Wild Card - Wednesday, December 17th


Just like each of the past two seasons, the Devils currently find themselves sitting a few spots out of the last wild card spot in the East. Things have gotten so bad that they've decided that what this team needs is Scott Gomez. Last time Gomez was with the Devils, he was actually a good player, and the Devils were a good, yet boring team. Ten years later and both Gomez and the Devils are terrible. Tragically, the team is still boring. 

Unfortunately with Brian Gionta in Buffalo, we'll never get to see the undersized duo unite one last time. Nonetheless, Brian's younger brother Stephen and his whopping 11 career goals should provide enough offensive support for Gomez on the Devils' 4th line.

Mr. Quarantine Man - Friday, December 19th


The most recent victim of the NHL's mumps outbreak is the Penguins' Sidney Crosby, making him the 13th NHL player to have been infected. The outbreak started in Anaheim, with Corey Perry and Francois Beauchemin being the first players to be infected. The Ducks' false flag operation and subsequent strategy of making the rest of the league sick has apparently been a resounding success, as they currently hold the top spot in the league with a 5 point lead. Just in case the team didn't already have enough weird things going around the locker room, Anaheim just signed Ilya Bryzgalov to a one-year contract.

Fortunately for the Senators, they will play a Ducks team that will be without both Perry and Brewer, and possibly Beauchemin. There's also possibility of seeing Dany Heatley once again, who is currently on fire in his AHL conditioning stint with a solid zero goals and zero assists in two games. Keep up the good work buddy!

Bergevin (or The Rise and Fall of a Hockey Empire) - Saturday, December 20th


Fortunately for the Montreal forwards who don't like getting beaten up, these two rivals have somehow not faced each other yet this year. Once again the Habs are good team, with much of their success coming from superstar netminder Carey Price.

Other noteworthy storyline is that the Sens get to face former Senator Sergei Gonchar, who is on quite a tear this year, already just one goal behind his grand total of two from the year before!!!! Rumour has it if he beats that total the Habs will retire his number!!!!! Yyyeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh bbbuddddddddddddddaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It Could Be Worse: You Could Be Forced To Suck Up To Eugene Melnyk

Friday, December 12, 2014

By George Marshall

"I am Eugene, King of the trashpile!"
Courtesy: Matty Go Sens

Arguably one of my favourite things about being a sports fan is the ability to be pissed off at just about anything when your team is not performing well with about zero negative repercussions. It's what makes sports so amazing. And now with "The Internet" we have a place to express that rage in a large community of ragers. Coming from the Greater Toronto Area (me, not the internet, despite what some Torontonians may claim), the internet has become the primary source of where my rage goes, since few people in the GTA realize 29 other teams play in the same league as the Leafs (maybe 28 if Leafs fans are keeping score in The Great Jersey Toss-Off with the Oilers).

Senators announce hiring of new new head coach: the Paul MacLean lookalike

Thursday, December 11, 2014

by Mike Wheeler

Paul MacLean's doppelgänger takes to the ice for his first practice as the head coach of the Senators.

The Ottawa Senators once again surprised its fans and the media this morning by announcing the hiring of a new head coach: Paul MacLean’s lookalike. The news comes just days after announcing the dismissal of Jack Adams-winner Paul MacLean which left some fans reeling. It also seems as though the organization quickly realized that Dave Cameron was a huge mistake and they have reacted by hiring the doppelgänger of Jack-Adams-winner Paul MacLean.

Daniel Alfredsson: A Careertrospective

Thursday, December 4, 2014

by Bonk and his Mullets


After Daniel Alfredsson's press conference today, we thought it would be nice to cover some of Alfie's greatest career moments. Blogs like SensChirp have already covered his greatest highlights, so we thought we'd cover the lesser known aspects of his greatest career achievements. Here we go!

LEAKED: First-draft script for the Alfie tribute

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

by Joe Boughner

Heading to the Alfie tribute game on December 4? Here's a sneak peek at what you might be able to expect. My source tells me this is a "very early" draft. He couldn't confirm whose edit marks and annotations are on this copy but he assures me this is a legit draft that reached high levels of the organization.

Week 9 Preview: Another standard week here in Sens land

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

by a Limited Number of Monkeys Sharing a Limited Number of Typewriters

Another week, another slate of games. We're in the doldrums here, people. The US Thanksgiving milestone has passed. Routine has set in. Christmas looms. People just aren't thinking about hockey, you know? Oh sure, we'll keep writing weekly previews. It's what our readers want and - if we're being brutally honest - it's what Mr. Bonk's Mullet himself demands. But nobody's bringing their A game this time of year.

Seriously. Our boss is a hardass, guys. He's threatened our families on more than one occasion. One time Chet tried to creatively send a "help us" message using the first letter of each line and we haven't seen the guy since.

Now on to the preview!