Week 4 Preview: Didn't We Just Play These Guys?

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

by The Boys From The Blog

After losing both games last week (including one ASTRONOMICALLY, INTER-PLANETARILY EXCITING game the New Jersey Devils), the Sens are back at it again with a game in Columbus, then back at home against Chicago and then back on the road in Boston. Don't forget your air miles cards, boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Ok, that's probably enough punctuation. Or is it?????

(Yes, it is).

New CTC lights "too bright"

by Mike Wheeler

Bobby Ryan (white guy in the middle) is rendered nearly invisible under the new LED lighting.

Senators fans heading to the Canadian Tire Centre this season have noticed something different: new high-powered LED lights illuminating all of the action on the ice. Unfortunately, the lights have come under criticism as of late because to some, they are just too bright.

Jared Cowen assures a restless fanbase: It's okay to make fun of Jared Cowen again

Monday, October 27, 2014

by Joe Boughner

Not pictured: The nacho cheese sauce on his sleeve
After a few emotion-packed days in the nation's capital, many in Ottawa have been looking for signs that life is settling back into routine and normalcy. Late Sunday night, Jared Cowen gave them just that.

"Guys, I know it's been tough," Cowen said to the scribes in press row at Chicago's United Center. "But it's time to heal. It's time to make fun of Jared Cowen again."

Cowen then swung his long legs back under his press box stool, knocking a plate of nachos off the ledge with an errantly-swung arm.

"Aww come on, Jared," lamented Mark Stone.

"Sorry Stoner," Cowen said with a knowing wink to the assembled media. "I guess I'm just clumsy."

Cowen's bizarre and impromptu scrum came after a tense few days. The shooting that took place at the National War Memorial took its toll on the entire hockey-loving nation but no more intensely than in Ottawa, where Sens just weren't in the mood for tomfoolery or wiseacrage.

Head coach Paul MacLean praised the surplus defender for his leadership.

"It's true in hockey and it's true in life," MacLean observed. "In trying times, leaders make themselves known. In a hockey mad market like Ottawa, fans need a whipping boy. It's part of how we feel normal. I'm just glad Cowen has finally found a meaningful way to contribute."

Captain Erik Karlsson echoed his coach's sentiments.

"I was telling the guys tonight in the second intermission, I was thinking of going out there and just letting Kane turnstile me on a rush, but Jared just grasped my shoulder and shook his head," the captain remembered. "He said 'Karl, I got this one.'"

Cowen is a -1 with 2 PIMs in two games played so far this season. Sunday night marked his fifth consecutive game as a healthy scratch.

Week 3 Preview: Hilarious Jokestravaganza

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

by Bonk's Mullet Staff

It's an odd time to be a Sens fan. On the one hand, the team is 4-1 out of the gate - a marked improvement over last year's debacle of a season opening. On the other hand, the Sens are very near the bottom of the race to the coveted Corsi Cup.

Legwand increasingly frustrated with local media: “It’s pronounced LEG-WAND”

Monday, October 20, 2014

by Mike Wheeler

Image courtesy of Canadian television star @Capital_Gains65

Ottawa’s newest Senator, David Legwand, has had a rough start in his new city, but it has nothing to do with his on-ice play. The veteran forward says that he is growing increasingly frustrated with the local media’s inability to correctly pronounce his last name. He vocalized his concerns on Monday: “I’ve literally never had this problem in any other city I’ve been to.”

It Could Be Worse: You Could be an Oilers Fan

Friday, October 17, 2014

by George Marshall (photos by Matty Go Sens)

In this column, I will attempt to give Sens fans solace by pointing out the unfortunate circumstances that befall hockey clubs not named the Ottawa Senators - because if there is one thing sports fans love doing, it’s finding flaws in other teams and exploiting them.

When the Sens are playing poorly, you can read this column and sigh with relief. When the Sens are playing well? I'm sorry. I don't understand the question.

I'll take assistant captains who shouldn't be on the powerplay for 1000, Alex.
In my first post, I want to take you back to the feeling you may have had after this year’s season opener. Remember that empty feeling of, "Here we go again?" Now imagine that feeling lasting for 8 years, but on top of that, you also live in Edmonton. Imagine if the Sens had still not made the playoffs since their cup finals appearance in '07, that they still won't make the playoffs for at least one more year, and on top of that, you also live in Edmonton. Another way of putting it: imagine you were an Oilers fan.

He's been known to change allegiances before
Edmonton's season opened with them honouring their 1984 Stanley Cup winning team, also known as the Oilers front office. Mark Messier was there telling everyone within earshot how great Rogers NHL Gamecentre by Rogers is, while Wayne Gretzky just stared at the C on Andrew Ference's jersey, trying not to laugh. You know your season is off to a bad start when 20 people in the crowd could form a better hockey team than the one on the ice.

The game was summed up with a former Leafs third liner scoring a hatrick on a former Leafs backup goaltender as part of a 5-2 victory for the Calgary Flames (I seem to have fallen into the journalistic trap of mentioning the Leafs in every hockey related post). Losing 5-2 is never a good thing but when it’s your biggest rival and fellow basement dweller it’s even worse.

Fans were so angry at their opening performance that one fan threw his or her Oilers hoodie on to the ice. By the end of the season, we expect their home games to go something like this:

Same old shit, different day.
Although the results on the ice seem to be the same as years past, there is one noticeable difference: If you were an Oiler at any time in the past 4 seasons (I’m sorry if you were) you may have noticed the cameras that followed you around as part of a reality show called "Oil Change." The title was supposed to be a reference to the new rise of the franchise, which is why it's particularly telling the show was canceled.

Imagine if the Sens had a reality show following them around last year. We would have certainly seen a lot of this, a lot of this, and we may have even seen some accidental nudity. This wouldn't surprise anyone; we see our defense getting undressed every night. Pretty soon they’ll have to start censoring that.

I was referring to on the ice, but this wouldn't surprise me either.
Defense seems to be Edmonton’s problem as well. They’ve lost 4 straight games out of the gate, allowing an average of 24 goals per game in the process [citation needed]. This has made them the talk of the league so far, even among former Ottawa Senator defencemen:

Some of the defensive lapses the Oilers are facing are not unlike those of the Sens, so let’s all be thankful this Canadian Thanksgiving (a little late) that we don’t play in the West. It could be worse.

INSIDER: How Players Really React to Being Scratched

Thursday, October 16, 2014

by Joe Boughner

"Nobody likes being scratched but it is what it is. I know I have to be better. I'll keep working hard in practice so I'm ready to show what I can do when they put me back in there."
Quick: Guess who said that recently after being made a healthy scratch.

Give up?

Look, it's Ewe-an Mendes, getting a quote!
(Photo by @McLlwainsWorld)
EVERYBODY. Literally everybody uses those exact words (or a reasonable facsimile) when they finally meet the press after meeting the press box.

Well, unlike the sheeple in the lamestream media, we here at Bonk's Mullet demand a little more authenticity in our reportage. So while the unwashed scribes in the scrums might be content to serve as stenographer for a well-polished media darling of a hockey player, we dig deeper.

Turns out, a lot of Sens players still use LiveJournal. And an alarming number of them have really terrible passwords (really, Erik Condra? Irish22?). And so we're able to bring you the inside scoop on how a few of your Ottawa Senators really felt about being a healthy scratch.


Thursday, October 9
So much for the fancy stat revolution

Hey LiveJournallers,

So much for the fancy stat revolution, eh? It's enough to make me fen-sick to my stomach. I'm not going to (zone) start crying now though. I've faced a high quality of competition before and I'm going to come out of this on top, WithOrWithoutYou in my corner.



Thursday, October 9
Reflections on a grey day

I suppose it's ironic that the well-trodden idiom that speaks of the darkness before dawn has yet to be conclusively ascribed to any one great thinker. Even the origins of such a pearl of wisdom are subject to the infinite darkness of obscurity. I take solace in knowing that the lesson has lived on even after the teacher has been forgotten - perhaps too my legacy will outlive this moment of darkness.

For see, an unexpected darkness has befallen your humble scribe in recent days and weeks. The promise of a new beginning has been diminished like so many a role gone before it. And like those of a diminished legacy I too have to wonder if my days plying my trade in the great capital of our nation are nearing an end.

The temptation to face this burden with bitterness is indeed strong but I must show a grace so amazing as to cause a chorus to sing of the sweetness of its sound. For now I am lost but soon I shall be found. Tis a poor man who revels in despair. My dawn will soon arrive.

As my people would say, I've built this boat. Now I must sail her.

But I am left to wonder... if I do catch the fish, will Liza even want it?
Photo by @gerv_rebrand


Monday, October 13
Untitled post (Draft)

Siri? I need directions to the BB&T Centre. Siri? Siri? Oh wait do I have to press this button?

Cowen thought he was doing pretty well with his map
Photo by @gerv_rebrand


Monday, October 13
Living the dream!

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? I'm absolutely living the dream!!! Four short days ago I dressed for my first NHL game and today I get to be a healthy scratch for the first time! I get to see a real NHL press box! I get to wear that cool new suit I bought! Everything's coming up Curtis!


Monday, October 13
I get knocked down
But I get up again
Cause you're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
But I get up again
Cause you're never gonna keep me down
Ah Chumbawumba. I LOVE classic rock!


Monday, October 13
Another Day, Another City, Another PressBox

Wait, I'm playing? 


There you have it, folks. From the profound to the profane to the downright bizarre - insider info you won't find anywhere else. Until next time, loyal readers, keep rocking!

He'll be singing when they're winning.
(Photo by @gev_rebrand)