by Bonk's Mullet
Eugene Melnyk made his year-end media rounds on Tuesday to extinguish the flames of the bush fire that was the 2013-2014 Ottawa Senators season. Melnyk was kind enough to temper the flames with a tank of gasoline. You wanted honey? Melnyk took a baseball bat to a beehive. That's the kind of selfless leadership our owner provides.
Many of you know that I'm currently a PhD student in linguistics. Recently, I've spent a great deal of time studying the rare language known as "Melnykese." There's only one remaining speaker in the world and he happens to be the owner of your Ottawa Senators. Melnykese is a peculiar language, in that speakers tend to say words that mean the exact opposite of what exists in reality. This can be highly confusing to English speakers as the language looks and sounds exactly like English.
Lucky for all of you, I've taken the liberty of translating key excerpts from Melnyk's interviews yesterday. Eugene Melnyk began the day with a telephone conference call with local media, presumably because the fax lines were jammed. He then called in to TSN 1200 and the FAN 590 before doing a Twitter Q&A. I've broken down his answers into convenient categories.