Mike Wheeler's Official 2015 NHL Entry Draft Rankings

Thursday, June 25, 2015

by Head of RBM Scouting, Mike Wheeler

and Junior Vice President of Hockey Operations, Bonk's Mullet

with graphics by Capital Gains

If you're looking for the definitive guide to the 2015 NHL Entry Draft, you've come to the right place. Junior hockey insider and head of RBM Scouting, Mike Wheeler, breaks down the entire first round in what is sure to be one of the deepest drafts in years.

1. Edmonton Oilers - Connor McDavid
The Edmonton Oilers finally get the chance to draft a skilled forward that will turn the whole team around when they take Connor "Wayne Gretzky" McDavid with the first overall pick. Start planning multiple Stanley Cup parades, Edmonton, because this future Hall-of-Famer is going to have an immediate impact right away guaranteed.

2. Buffalo Sabres - Jack Eichel
Described as a "less-Canadian Connor McDavid," Jack Eichel is no consolation prize, this guy is the real deal. Tim Murray and the Buffalo Sabres will not have a difficult decision facing them with the second overall pick.

EXCLUSIVE: What Hammond will say if he wins the Masterton

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

by Joe Boughner

The Masterton trophy in all of its glory.
Nah, just kidding, this is the Lady Byng.
Admit it, you didn't know.
The eyes of the hockey world turn to ... Las Vegas? Again? Come on, NHL, stop trying to make this happen... tonight for the annual NHL Awards. And while Sens fans have largely focused on the Norris and the Calder, where Erik Karlsson and Mark Stone hope to bring home some hardware, a third Senator is up for recognition: Masterton nominee Andrew Hammond.

Is he going to win? Probably not. Fellow nominee Kris Letang had a hole in his heart, people. A HOLE IN HIS HEART. But wouldn't you like to know what Hammond would say if he did pull of the upset?

The RBM crew has your back, kids.

Turns out that our sparking insight and witty turns of phrase haven't gone unnoticed by Senators' personnel as Hammond himself reached out and asked us to prepare his speech for him. Hear that, Dellow? It's not just you stats junkies that get work in the big show!

Anyway, Hammond may be good at stopping pucks and warming hearts but he's terrible at reading the fine print in hastily-drafted employment contracts. Should've asked for exclusivity, Andrew.

Here is your exclusive first look at what Hammond will say if he's handed the hardware tonight in Vegas.

Acceptance speech

Ladies and gentlemen, professional hockey writers, let me start by thanking each and every one of you.  This is a real honour for me.

Even going back to my college days, I was never the Big Mac on campus. I've always had to work McDoublely hard to get where I am today and it's nice to have that work recognized.

Looking back on the incredible run of the Senators this year, I'm overcome by a McFlurry of emotions. I felt like a bit of a Filet O'Fish out of water when I took over the net - Andy and Lehner have always been great to me and it was hard to see them get hurt - but the team never looked at me like a small fry.

Some have said we must have had Shamrock Shakes in our locker stalls; that our run was simply a lucky break. But we hash browned it out internally and we knew that if we went out there with a Big Breakfast in our bellies and Quarter Poundered our opponents, we'd McWrap up some wins and leave our doubters Grimacing in the corner. It's that sort of McNugget of wisdom that made Coach Cameron such a success.

So thank you once again. I know that Letang and Dubnyk feel robbled right now but they deserve this award just as much as I do. It's a Super-Size honour to be nominated with you, fellas!


Garbage bag day for the RBM crew

Monday, May 4, 2015

by an actual journalist, let's say

With the last of the formal events of the Ottawa Senators' season slipping into the rearview, the RBM crew got together one last time on a Google Hangout while they cleared their stuff out of the closets in their mothers' basements.

"It's disappointing, obviously," admitted rookie blogger Joe "McLlwain's World" Boughner. "You never want to be the bloggers clearing out your stuff after the first round."

Boughner denied a persistent rumour that he was battling a nagging back injury through the final stretch of games.

"I'm just old and move slowly," said Boughner, stuffing a stale doughnut and a tower of empty Tim Hortons cups into a trash bag. "That's also the reason I'm not one of the finalists for Rookie Blogger of the Year in that Faces Magazine thing... too old."

"Yea, that's the problem," muttered Mike Wheeler.
George Marshall was unable to attend the hangout after
grossly misunderstanding what "Garbage Bag Day" means.
Police say charges are pending.

"Eff you, Wheeler," replied Boughner before squinting his eyes and looking around his screen for the mute button. "I can't never find that danged button. Why do they have to make them so small?"

For his part, Wheeler said his focus was on the future.

"I'm bummed, sure, but I've got an entire external hard drive full of gifs to be used in extremely specific situations and half-written Tweets ready for next year," Wheeler explained. "I'm going to be... coming in hot... come training camp."

"Get it?" added Wheeler. "Coming in hot! Like Bobby Ryan said that one time! Guys? Am I lagging? I don't think you can hear me. Guys? I said coming in hot! Guys? Oh look, there's my Wii U controller!"

After what was considered by most to be a rebuilding year for the blog, even the elusive Matty Go Sens and Capital Gains took some time to right-click > Empty Trash on a season's worth of unused photoshops.

"It's just time to get rid of some old ideas that never worked out," said Matty. "Like this cast photo of Home Improvement except it's Sens players. Actually, I'll probably keep that one."

Gainsy was also getting in on the hard drive cleaning.

"Time to trash some old stuff that I'm not going to use. Like this folder called just gold chains. Or this picture of Alf and Pikachu riding a surfboard except Alf is Eugene Melnyk and Pikachu is Stephane Da Costa and the surfboard is Alfredsson... Never mind, I'll definitely use this."

Veterans like Steve On Sens, meanwhile, were plagued by questions about what their futures held.

"I've loved my time here in Ottawa, no doubt," said On Sens. "But you get to a point in your career when you sorta want to see what else is out there. So we'll see."

On Sens then appeared to be listening to someone slightly off camera.

"I, uh, have to go to now. My mom says no internet after 8:30 pm on a school night. Someone tell Brochenski I won't be there for cold ones."

While On Sens wondered about his future as a curfew-less blogger, fellow veteran presence Kevin Lee admitted his performance was hampered by injury down the stretch.

"The doctors are calling it 'eye strain,'" said Lee. "Evidently you can get it by staring too intently at autographed sweaters on eBay trying to see if they're authentic."

Lee then showed off a new pair of tinted sunglasses he was trying out to help cut down on the bright screen glare.

Team captain Bonk's Mullet, asked about his team's early post-season exit, was contemplative.

"We had a strong season at the keyboards, but in the end, we didn't get the key retweets when we needed them most. We ran into a hot Game of Thrones episode that took the crowd out of it early."

Asked about the future of the team on the ice, Mullet continued.

"We have a great leadership group surrounded by young talent. Pavs, Nik, and Z have really stepped it up since Lidstrom retired. -- What? Yeah, well of course I defected to the Wings. It's what great leaders do."

How to Cost the Sens a Game

Thursday, April 30, 2015

by Capital Gains

The last tutorial of the season teaches you 3 different ways to make the Sens lose a game, using Photoshop! See you all next year!

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)

Previous Tutorials:

David Legwand Photoshop Tutorial
How to make Curtis Lazar sad in Photoshop
How to put Sleeves on Marc Methot in Photoshop
How to Make Andrew Hammond The Hamburglar

Guest Post: Subban vows to shoot harder, turtle farther in game 6

Sunday, April 26, 2015

By Rob Poirier

The Ottawa Senators added another chapter to their Cinderella story last night with a decisive victory over the Montreal Canadiens in Game 5 of their first-round playoff series. The win came after a stellar performance from goalie Craig Anderson, who made 45 saves, and a pair of goals from sniper Bobby Ryan, who had not scored in 16 games.

But the Senators did not rely on their stars alone – head coach Dave Cameron got contributions from his entire roster – including ten hits from center Zack Smith, and a sparkling defensive effort from winger Jean-Gabriel Pageau, who limped off the ice after blocking a hard slapshot off the stick of Canadiens’ defenseman PK Subban in the third period.

When asked about the shot that briefly hobbled Pageau, Subban declared, “it’s only going to get harder as the series goes on, so I wish him the best of luck.” And the defenseman’s tough talk didn’t stop there. When asked about another notable play, in which he turned the puck over to the Senators’ Erik Condra, resulting in a breakaway goal, Subban confidently bellowed, “I can literally turn it over from anywhere on the ice, so they ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

Finally, when pressed about a late-game altercation with Eric Gryba that saw Subban’s entire head disappear into his jersey, the defenseman, who has not registered a single point in the last three games, defiantly announced, “I’ll turtle all the way into my hockey pants if I don’t see a ref coming to bail me out, I can promise them that much.”

Picture by @Capital_Gains65

Game 6 goes Sunday evening in Ottawa, and if the Canadiens’ cocky defenseman makes good on his promises, Senators fans can look forward to Game 7 on Tuesday night in Montreal.

Sens and Habs fans agree to disagree, focus on what matters

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

by Joe Boughner

OTTAWA (Canadian Press) - In a surprising turn of events, the collective fan bases of the Canada's eastern conference playoff teams "agreed to disagree" - an unexpected show of unity following a heated opening game.

The Official Bonk's Mullet Funny Playoff Roundable With Jokes

by Unpaid Interns


You wanted it! (Hopefully) And you got it! (Sort of) A table so round, it's basically a sphere! Let's dive right into what we all came here for: unsolicited opinions lazily created in a last-minute email chain!

Series prediction (how many games will it take the Sens to knock off the Habs?)

Gainsy: I think the Jets will win it in 6. Anaheim is a good team, but I just don't know if they'll be able to match the intencity intenseity vehemence of the Jets. It will be a close--- what's that? Oh, you wanted an Ottawa prediction. Didn't the Ice Dogs already eliminate the 67's from the playoffs?

Pundits agree that Ottawa's size on defence
will be a major factor in this series
Mike: Sens in 4 and not only because this is a humour blog. Looking at the last couple of months, there is nothing there to make me think that the Sens have any reason to lose one out of the next four games. But maybe you're saying that the playoffs are a whole new season. Maybe you're thinking regular season success has nothing to do with the postseason. You know what else you can do? You can SHUT IT!

Joe: Series predictions are for lame-wads. I'm giving you game predictions:
Game 1: Ottawa 3 - Montreal 1 with Pageau notching a hat trick
Game 2: Ottawa 2 - Montreal 3 with Montreal winning on a controversial OT goal featuring Gallagher crashing the net
Game 3: Ottawa 1 - Montreal 0 with Hammond making 42 saves for his first career playoff shutout
Game 4: Ottawa 4 - Montreal 2 with Pageau scoring another hat trick and Lazar notching four points
Game 5: Ottawa 3 - Montreal 4 with Pageau actually scoring on his own net to make sure Ottawa wins at home
Game 6: Ottawa 4 - Montreal 1 with Pageau scoring and assisting on all four goals. Somehow.

Kevin: Four games or six games just so we can win in the 613. Don't want to end up winning in front of an empty building after all.

Steve: I was going to say Ottawa in 5 - which gives them a 4-1 Series lead. But based on scarring memories, I don't trust 4-1 leads over the Habs so I'll say Sens in 6.

Bonk: Ottawa takes an early four-games-to-none series lead, but Montreal fans insist that the result is an injustice given that the scorekeeper unfairly counted each of Ottawa's goals and added them up to a total that was greater than the total of the number of Montreal's goals on four separate occasions, clearly indicating a bias towards "whoever the other team was."

Who will be the hero?