Comedy Sentral - Episode 4: Parks and Recreation

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

by Capital Gains

Sadly, Parks and Recreation is coming to an end as the series finale is airing tonight. To pay tribute to the show, Episode 4 of Comedy Sentral is a parody of Parks and Rec's intro.

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)

Previous Episodes

Episode 1: Arrested Development Episode 2: Chuck Episode 3: The Brady Bunch

The Week Ahead: The Plinko edition

by Joe Boughner and his assistant Mike Wheeler

".... and a new car!" (shoop by @McLlwainsWorld)
Like a pack of Canadian snowbirds with an unhealthy obsession with The Price Is Right, this week the Senators head to California and get ready to line up for a few showcase showdowns. It's the last stretch of games before the March 2 trade deadline and every roster move takes on a special significance, where the rotating cast of defenders will undoubtedly be put on display like one of Bryan's Beauties in an attempt to get the actual NHL contenders to make the highest bid (related: you could probably get Colin Greening by bidding a dollar).

Alright, on to the preview before Mark Goodson's estate sues us over this extended metaphor.

Last week's record


This week's matchups

  • Wednesday @ Anaheim
  • Thursday @ Los Angeles
  • Saturday @ San Jose

Storylines to watch

QUIZ: Will you be awake?

LATE GAMES! Did you know that sometimes there are hockey played at night after the games that start at normal human times like 7:00 p.m. EST and 7:30 p.m. EST? It's true! Take the quiz to find out if you will be able to stay awake for these games that take place well past Condra's bedtime!

10:00 p.m. against Anaheim: This is a late-night game on a Wednesday night. You need to be up early for work on Thursday and you're normally in bed by around 10:30. Maybe catch the first period to see how it's going and then decide?

Will you be awake? Probably not.

10:30 p.m. against Los Angeles: You're not as young as you used to be. This is a Thursday night and you are going to have to sleep if you want to make it through Friday. You will definitely be asleep before puck-drop.

Will you be awake? Not a chance.

10:00 p.m. against San Jose: This Saturday night game seems like a shoe-in for one that you should be able to watch no problem. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're going to have to stay awake through the entire Leafs-Habs game. Sure, watching the Leafs lose should give some entertainment, but unfortunately, the Habs always lose to bad teams. Think about how awake you're going to be when it's 4-1 Toronto heading into the second intermission. Not very. You had a busy week, a crazy Saturday and you're just going to rest your eyes for a few minutes.

Will you be awake? You tried, but sadly, you're not gonna make it.

Don't Colin a comeback!

The Greening Shuffle, incidentally, never really caught on.
(GIF stolen from the good folks at 6th Sens)

He's gonna knock you out!
Colin said knock you out!
He's gonna knock you out!
Colin said knock you out!

Nah, just kidding. He doesn't fight much. That's one of the reasons he was sent to Bingo in the first place.

Oh, also, he won't actually be playing. He's on the trip as an insurance policy (known in hockey circles as 'doing the Da Costa shuffle').

He hamburgled our hearts, will he hamburgle some games?

Andrew Hammond's 2-0 record as an NHL starter is a nice story. He's played well but the team's played well in front of him. It didn't hurt that the Sens' opponents sharted the bed a bit in the games against him either, likely taking a win over the AHL goalie (and his AHL calibre teammates) for granted.

For his next trick will he go to the deadly west coast and steal a few wins in rinks that tend to bring out the worst in the Senators? If so, there'll be a few . . . grimaces . . . on some western conference faces.


Parting shots

  • Statline of the week:  $1.45M (combined NHL salary of our undefeated goaltending tandem)
  • Imagined Sun headline of the week: "Hammond (Goose) Eggs!" (if the Sens pitch a shutout)
  • What Sens fans will be complaining about on Twitter: 10 pm starts

Senators unveil plans for new arena in downtown Kanata

Thursday, February 19, 2015

by Mike Wheeler

Earlier today, Cyril Leeder, the president of Senators Sports & Entertainment, invited the media to a press conference promising to make an announcement about the team's home that "everyone has been waiting for for a very long time." Leeder, along with team owner Eugene Melnyk, announced that the final plans had been approved for a brand-new arena in downtown Kanata.

"The new arena is going to be right in the heart of downtown Kanata. Just in between the Tanger Outlets and Kanata Centrum Shopping Centre," Leeder continued. "The new building is going to reinvigorate nearby small, local businesses like Crazy Horse and Costco while giving the great city of Kanata the downtown arena it's been waiting for."

The Week Ahead: The Ah-Ah-Ah Ah-Ah-Ah Ah-Ah-Ahhh edition

Monday, February 16, 2015

by Joe Boughner and George Marshall

Matty (@Gerv_Rebrand) actually made this months ago but if the shoop fits...
It's the never-ending homestand! Yes kids, like a whiny millennial arts grad the Sens just won't leave home (also: they're a source of disappointment to their parents). But don't worry, they're taking a spring break trip to the coast next week where they'll probably drink too much and ruin any chance of short term success.

The metaphor hurts because it's true, you guys.

Anyway, off to the preview!

The Week Ahead: In which we learn what tanking really looks like

Monday, February 9, 2015

by George Marshall and Joe Boughner

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up and take a gander at the incredible, fantastical Ottawa Senators! Tired of teams that are predictably good? Seen enough teams that are predictably bad? Then behold this middle of the pack marvel as it stumbles on uncertain feet towards April, when the good teams keep playing, the bad ones start planning and Ottawa wonders what else they can do to make it easier to get out of the parking lot!

That's right, friends, it's time once again for the Ottawa Senators Variety Hour!

Last week's record

  • 0-3-0 

This week's matchups

  • Tuesday @ Buffalo
  • Thursday vs. Pittsburgh
  • Saturday vs. Edmonton

Storylines to watch

That's not a tank. This is a tank

At this point in the season, the Senators are who we thought they were, to coin a phrase. That is, a slightly below average team that won't be playoff bound. However, for those fans calling for a tank, this week will prove that while the Sens aren't that good, they aren't that bad either. Playing the role of cautionary tale? None other than the Buffalo Sabres and Edmonton Oilers.

These teams are bad, guys. Like, really bad. Buffalo has fans pining for the - cough - glory days of Chris Drury and Daniel Briere. Oilers fans would settle for the era of Todd Marchant and Jason Smith losing out in the first round to Dallas.

Oh sure, Ottawa could find a way to lose to these cellar dwellers in this week's battles. But they don't stand a chance in the season-long war. To the victor (of the draft lottery) go the spoils and Connor McDavid may as well sign on with a real estate agent in Buffalo or Edmonton.

The worst part? They'll get out of the parking lot so easily.

Taking a gander at Evander?

*Checks CapGeek*

Crap, that's not around anymore

*Googles Evander Kane Salary*

Well, it's 6 million dollars a year so that isn't happening. Moving right along.

Free as an agent

For all the talk of the future of the Kanata Three (Legwand, Neil and Phillips - a veritable trifecta of intangibles), the bigger story in the run up to the trade deadline could be the fate of a pair of pending unrestricted free agents: Aaron Johnson and Patrick Mullen Erik Condra and Marc Methot. 

Methot seems to have gotten back on track after missing the first half of the year with a wonky back or neck or hip or something. Could he still fetch upwards of 5x5 on the open market or are GMs scared off by his injuries? Will the Sens be willing to hang on to him past the deadline if there's no extension in place? If he does go, who will play the role of responsible partner for Erik Karlsson / eligible bachelor and muscle shirt aficionado?

Meanwhile, Erik Condra has fancy-statted himself out of the press box and back into our Corsi-loving hearts, killing penalties and missing open nets like back in the day (2013-14). Is he part of Ottawa's future and, if not, will there be takers for him at the deadline? 

Parting shots

  • Statline of the week: $1.5M AAV (combined cap relief of letting Johnson and Mullen walk)
  • Imagined Sun headline of the week: "Striking Oil" - After losing 5 in a row the Sens explode to beat Edmonton. Look familiar Leaf fans?
  • What Sens fans will be complaining about on Twitter: The inevitable loss to Buffalo. Get ready guys, it's happening

"Hat-Trick" Dampens Ryan's Spirits

Friday, February 6, 2015

by Mike Wheeler

Ottawa Senators forward Bobby Ryan was on the receiving end of some swift justice earlier this week. The star winger was late to practice Thursday morning and this infraction did not go unnoticed by Chris Neil and other members of the team's true leadership core. Reportedly, Neil sent a message to Ryan by throwing all of his hats into the locker room shower.

According to sources, between 50 and 100 of Ryan's hats - all his trademark "army cap" style - were gathered up from various places in the team's dressing room and unceremoniously dumped into the shower rendering them soaked well beyond wearability.

EXCLUSIVE: Neil was open to being traded

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

by Joe Boughner

When world leaked out on Twitter that Chris Neil had asked not to be traded to a cup contender, the reaction of Sens fans was wide ranging, all the way from anger to sadness. And while the fans' reactions are to be expected given the team's need to give more ice time to younger players, one was left to wonder exactly why the gobsmackingly-sought-after veteran wouldn't want a fresh start and a shot at The Greatest Trophy In Sports.

Well we here at RBM did some digging. Turns out Neil did sniff around the league to see where he might be welcome.