Free U2 Album Causes Alfredsson Setback

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

by Mike Wheeler


This week, we'll be introducing one new blog member each day of the week. Today's post comes from Mike Wheeler. You can find Mike on Twitter at @TheMikeWheeler, and you can check out all our new authors' bios here.

For his inaugural post, Mike brings us breaking news out of Detroit.

Photo by Matty Go Sens

The Creation of a Legendary Swede

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

by Charles Campbell


This week, we'll be introducing one new blog member each day of the week. Today's post comes from Charles Campbell. You can find Charles on Twitter at @ccamp87, and you can check out all our new authors' bios here.

For his first post, Charles has taken his favourite poem, "The Cremation of Sam McGee," by Robert W. Service, and transformed it into a magnificent, perhaps timeless work of art. Without further ado, we present to you, "The Creation of a Legendary Swede."

Photoshop by new Mulleteer: Matty Go Sens

Bonk's Rebuild

Monday, September 29, 2014

by Bonk's Mullet


People have been asking me all week, "Who will be the new Sens captain? When will Bobby re-sign? Does Marc Methot own a shirt with sleeves? When will Bonk's Mullet announce their new bloggers?"

I can answer the two most pressing questions with "no," and "right now!"

The Bad News

Before I get to our newest members, we unfortunately have to bid farewell to everyone's favourite creepy uncle/Sens blogger, Chet Sellers. Chet has decided to leave the blog to spend more time with his six(?), maybe seven(?) daughters in an effort to win his ex-wife back. If that doesn't work out, he has informed us he will pursue his lifelong passion of ant farming. Rumours that he is leaving to become a Red Wings blogger are unconfirmed.

Chet took a chance on me back when I started this site a year and a half ago, and he ended up being the driving force behind the blog. Chet's posts always received the most positive feedback, and the Sens blogosphere will be sorely lacking until he gets back to writing, wherever that may be! All the best to you, Chet! His entire blog roll can be found here. I've been told that there is more in store for the world famous Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy Podcast, so not all hope is lost.

Luke will also be taking a temporary leave of absence from blogging until the new year. He's taking a trip to the farthest corners of the world to learn the secrets of Sens comedy writing from the ancients. Let him know if you know of any good hostels in Shawville.

The Good News

We put out a call for new bloggers and I was pleasantly surprised to receive a mountain of applications. Thanks to all those who applied. I'm proud to announce that at this time we're adding four new members to the site (with possibly more to come). Much like the Sens, we're hoping that a gluttony of one-way deals will cause some friendly competition on the roster.

We will be introducing one new cast member every day this week with a blog post and a bio, starting on Tuesday. The Senturion I hired didn't show up, so I'll have to announce the newest Bonk's Mullet members myself:

Matt "Go Sens" Gervais: @Gerv_Rebrand

George Marshall: @GMarshall3 

Mike Wheeler: @TheMikeWheeler

Charles Campbell: @CCamp87 

Give them a follow on Twitter! They might not be household names right now, but I can remember way back when "Erik Condra" and "Mike Hoffman" weren't household names either, and look how they turned out.

We can't wait to get the season started. See you tomorrow!

For "Hire": Bloggers Wanted

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff


Hey folks!

It's been a huge summer for the hockey blogger community. A handful of the internet's best have been snatched up by NHL squads in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage for their clubs.

Lucky for Ottawa Senators fans everywhere, nobody from Bonk's Mullet was hired. Apparently making fart noises every time Bryan Murray said "Chris Neil" did not go over well in my interview.

Jealous of other blogs, we have decided to distance ourselves from the cesspool of middling hockey blogs to make a jump into the elite. As a result, we are looking to add more members to our extremely accomplished team. *Raises the 100 total page views banner to the rafters*

This is a call for Sens humourists. Our preference is for strong writing, but we're open to comics, videos, historical Patrick Lalime reenactments, or whatever content you can come up with. Our priority is and always has been "quality" Ottawa Senators humour, so that's the only limitation here. It's strongly encouraged that you're an active Twitter user because that's the only mode of communication we have with the outside world.

Your payment will come in the form of comradery and jokes made at your expense.

To apply, please send your contact info and one or two examples of content you'd like to produce to bonksmullet@gmail.com. Please hand in your submission by September 21st. If you're submitting something written, keep it between 500 and 2000 words. That's not a strict requirement, but do enough to showcase your talents without killing me with length (That's what she said) (I retract my earlier statement about quality humor).

If you're just interested in writing a guest post or two, we're always open to reading whatever you've got.

As a disclaimer, it's not guaranteed we're going to add anyone, nor are we constraining ourselves to adding only one person. We're just looking for anyone who can bring our readers' smiles up to the Curtis Lazar level.

Happy writing!

The Ottawa Senators Dictionary

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

By Luke Peristy (with files from Chet Sellers)


Like many communities, Ottawa Senators fans have developed their own lingo over the years. Whether you're a new fan or an old one, if you're looking to understand just what people are talking about, we're here to help. Here is the Ottawa Senators Dictionary.

Ask Mullet Monday: September 2, 2014

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

by Bonk's Mullet


It was a big summer for me. Firstly, I decided to leave my PhD program. My apologies go to those of you who had grown accustomed to calling me Future Dr. Bonk's Mullet. I hope Bonk's Mullet, B.A.&Sc. is catchy enough to retain readership. Secondly, I moved from Philadelphia to Calgary, which are polar opposites in economic conditions; think of Calgary as MLSE and Philadelphia as an expansion team in the desert owned by Eugene Melnyk. Third, I got engaged to an amazing woman. Thanks for all the nice words that you've sent along. Fourth, I moved in with said woman, and fifth, I got a job as a web developer thanks to the absolutely top notch content available at this site.

After a full rebuild, it's time to get back on the blogging saddle (that was a reference to horses to demonstrate how acclimated I've become to the West *shoots guns into the sky*)! I asked for your questions for the first #AskMullet Monday of the 2014-2015 season. Here we go!

ASK MULLET

1. "Do you think Uncle Eugene has a case with his tax-evasion allegations against Valeant?" - Peter Raaymakers

Nice try, Peter. That's more of a mid-season #AskMullet question. I'd rather opt for a nicely lobbed softball question instead.

"What is your favorite Kevin Costner baseball movie and why?" - Zachary Deutsch

Okay, so it's a baseball question, but Field of Dreams, obviously. For the record, "If you build it, [they] will come," was also Bruce Firestone's motto when he built the Palladium in Kanata.

2. "If @sensfoundation sponsored a golf tournament - who would have a better score - you or @MelnykEugene?" - Will i @am

Definitely Mr. Melnyk, because he's always in the red numbers.

3. "Do you have tickets to the one Sens/Flames game this season and who will be tanking for McDavid harder?" - Andrew Campbell

I'm actually planning to get a big group of Sens fans together at the Saddledome for the game, so get in touch with me if you're in the Calgary area!

In terms of tanking for McDavid, I'll leave you with the highest paid forwards on the Flames and Sens:

See also: Erik Karlsson
Whatever you do, don't check who Ottawa's next highest paid forward/highest paid Cornell graduate is.

4. "Which ninja turtle is the best and why?" - James Gordon

The Green Ranger.

5. "Are the #REDBLACKS missing Spezza's offensive prowess?" - RedBlack Renegade

Well Mr. BlackGade, I fear that you are right. I've noticed that Henry Burris has been looking directly at his receivers before passing them the ball, almost without fail. If number 19 taught us anything, it's never to look your receiver in the eye. Given that the REDBLACKS offence is last in the league, a few dozen no-look laterals per play couldn't hurt.

6. "Is it true that the kegs at the Canadian Tire Centre are not refrigerated?" - Feisty

Although Eugene has been known to penny pinch, this simply isn't true. The kegs are kept at the ideal temperature of 3 degrees Celsius thanks to the icy silence of the 100's section.

7. "Who is the next beloved Senator who will tragically leave the team without warning?" - Andrew Berkshire

I think he already tried to leave but got stuck in traffic.

8. "Is Alfie coming back? who gets the C? will Harper get in another term? does this shirt go with these pants?" - marnie
It feels like Harper has been the Prime Minister for five terms. I just wish Alfie would come back for a second. And, yes, you look fabulous.

9. "I've heard when you get married, you get way less funny. Is this true? (please answer with a joke)." - Tyler Ray

No.

10. "What do you think Jared Cowen is doing right at this very moment?" - Jaskyyy


Apologies if I didn't get to your question tonight. There were a ton of great ones, but I'm handcuffed by an internal cap of 10 answers.

Tweet me with #AskMullet or email bonksmullet@gmail.com to get your questions in for next Monday!


Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings - September 2014

Monday, September 1, 2014

by Chet Sellers


Last month, if you followed hockey, social media, hockey social media, the media, the hockey media, or society, you probably saw more than a few folks take the ice bucket challenge. Heck, August is a hot month, right? And what's cooler than dumping ice on yourself? Raising awareness about ALS!

Here's what I know - most of the Ottawa Senators, with a few notable exceptions, filmed themselves dumping a bucket of ice water over their head last month. Some did it for the cause, some did it to be trendy, some did it because hell, that Lazar punk did it - we're not here to divine anyone's intentions or pass judgement on their motivation. We are here to rank things, though, and we do have all these videos lying around, so let's go!