Week 3 Preview: Hilarious Jokestravaganza

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

by Bonk's Mullet Staff


It's an odd time to be a Sens fan. On the one hand, the team is 4-1 out of the gate - a marked improvement over last year's debacle of a season opening. On the other hand, the Sens are very near the bottom of the race to the coveted Corsi Cup.

Legwand increasingly frustrated with local media: “It’s pronounced LEG-WAND”

Monday, October 20, 2014

by Mike Wheeler


Image courtesy of Canadian television star @Capital_Gains65


Ottawa’s newest Senator, David Legwand, has had a rough start in his new city, but it has nothing to do with his on-ice play. The veteran forward says that he is growing increasingly frustrated with the local media’s inability to correctly pronounce his last name. He vocalized his concerns on Monday: “I’ve literally never had this problem in any other city I’ve been to.”

It Could Be Worse: You Could be an Oilers Fan

Friday, October 17, 2014

by George Marshall (photos by Matty Go Sens)


In this column, I will attempt to give Sens fans solace by pointing out the unfortunate circumstances that befall hockey clubs not named the Ottawa Senators - because if there is one thing sports fans love doing, it’s finding flaws in other teams and exploiting them.

When the Sens are playing poorly, you can read this column and sigh with relief. When the Sens are playing well? I'm sorry. I don't understand the question.

I'll take assistant captains who shouldn't be on the powerplay for 1000, Alex.
In my first post, I want to take you back to the feeling you may have had after this year’s season opener. Remember that empty feeling of, "Here we go again?" Now imagine that feeling lasting for 8 years, but on top of that, you also live in Edmonton. Imagine if the Sens had still not made the playoffs since their cup finals appearance in '07, that they still won't make the playoffs for at least one more year, and on top of that, you also live in Edmonton. Another way of putting it: imagine you were an Oilers fan.

He's been known to change allegiances before
Edmonton's season opened with them honouring their 1984 Stanley Cup winning team, also known as the Oilers front office. Mark Messier was there telling everyone within earshot how great Rogers NHL Gamecentre by Rogers is, while Wayne Gretzky just stared at the C on Andrew Ference's jersey, trying not to laugh. You know your season is off to a bad start when 20 people in the crowd could form a better hockey team than the one on the ice.

The game was summed up with a former Leafs third liner scoring a hatrick on a former Leafs backup goaltender as part of a 5-2 victory for the Calgary Flames (I seem to have fallen into the journalistic trap of mentioning the Leafs in every hockey related post). Losing 5-2 is never a good thing but when it’s your biggest rival and fellow basement dweller it’s even worse.

Fans were so angry at their opening performance that one fan threw his or her Oilers hoodie on to the ice. By the end of the season, we expect their home games to go something like this:

Same old shit, different day.
Although the results on the ice seem to be the same as years past, there is one noticeable difference: If you were an Oiler at any time in the past 4 seasons (I’m sorry if you were) you may have noticed the cameras that followed you around as part of a reality show called "Oil Change." The title was supposed to be a reference to the new rise of the franchise, which is why it's particularly telling the show was canceled.

Imagine if the Sens had a reality show following them around last year. We would have certainly seen a lot of this, a lot of this, and we may have even seen some accidental nudity. This wouldn't surprise anyone; we see our defense getting undressed every night. Pretty soon they’ll have to start censoring that.

I was referring to on the ice, but this wouldn't surprise me either.
Defense seems to be Edmonton’s problem as well. They’ve lost 4 straight games out of the gate, allowing an average of 24 goals per game in the process [citation needed]. This has made them the talk of the league so far, even among former Ottawa Senator defencemen:


Some of the defensive lapses the Oilers are facing are not unlike those of the Sens, so let’s all be thankful this Canadian Thanksgiving (a little late) that we don’t play in the West. It could be worse.

INSIDER: How Players Really React to Being Scratched

Thursday, October 16, 2014

by Joe Boughner


"Nobody likes being scratched but it is what it is. I know I have to be better. I'll keep working hard in practice so I'm ready to show what I can do when they put me back in there."
Quick: Guess who said that recently after being made a healthy scratch.

Give up?

Look, it's Ewe-an Mendes, getting a quote!
(Photo by @McLlwainsWorld)
EVERYBODY. Literally everybody uses those exact words (or a reasonable facsimile) when they finally meet the press after meeting the press box.

Well, unlike the sheeple in the lamestream media, we here at Bonk's Mullet demand a little more authenticity in our reportage. So while the unwashed scribes in the scrums might be content to serve as stenographer for a well-polished media darling of a hockey player, we dig deeper.

Turns out, a lot of Sens players still use LiveJournal. And an alarming number of them have really terrible passwords (really, Erik Condra? Irish22?). And so we're able to bring you the inside scoop on how a few of your Ottawa Senators really felt about being a healthy scratch.

------

Thursday, October 9
So much for the fancy stat revolution
CondyHighAndWide

Hey LiveJournallers,

So much for the fancy stat revolution, eh? It's enough to make me fen-sick to my stomach. I'm not going to (zone) start crying now though. I've faced a high quality of competition before and I'm going to come out of this on top, WithOrWithoutYou in my corner.

PDO.

------


Thursday, October 9
Reflections on a grey day
CornellMuse

I suppose it's ironic that the well-trodden idiom that speaks of the darkness before dawn has yet to be conclusively ascribed to any one great thinker. Even the origins of such a pearl of wisdom are subject to the infinite darkness of obscurity. I take solace in knowing that the lesson has lived on even after the teacher has been forgotten - perhaps too my legacy will outlive this moment of darkness.

For see, an unexpected darkness has befallen your humble scribe in recent days and weeks. The promise of a new beginning has been diminished like so many a role gone before it. And like those of a diminished legacy I too have to wonder if my days plying my trade in the great capital of our nation are nearing an end.

The temptation to face this burden with bitterness is indeed strong but I must show a grace so amazing as to cause a chorus to sing of the sweetness of its sound. For now I am lost but soon I shall be found. Tis a poor man who revels in despair. My dawn will soon arrive.

As my people would say, I've built this boat. Now I must sail her.

But I am left to wonder... if I do catch the fish, will Liza even want it?
Photo by @gerv_rebrand


------

Monday, October 13
Untitled post (Draft)
Jared2Cowen

Siri? I need directions to the BB&T Centre. Siri? Siri? Oh wait do I have to press this button?

Cowen thought he was doing pretty well with his map
Photo by @gerv_rebrand

------

Monday, October 13
Living the dream!
CLazar23

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? I'm absolutely living the dream!!! Four short days ago I dressed for my first NHL game and today I get to be a healthy scratch for the first time! I get to see a real NHL press box! I get to wear that cool new suit I bought! Everything's coming up Curtis!

------

Monday, October 13
#NowPlaying
DontHassleTheHoffMan
I get knocked down
But I get up again
Cause you're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
But I get up again
Cause you're never gonna keep me down
Ah Chumbawumba. I LOVE classic rock!

------

Monday, October 13
Another Day, Another City, Another PressBox
PattyWeirdCock

Wait, I'm playing? 

------

There you have it, folks. From the profound to the profane to the downright bizarre - insider info you won't find anywhere else. Until next time, loyal readers, keep rocking!

He'll be singing when they're winning.
(Photo by @gev_rebrand)

Phillips buys A's for every fan with his jersey

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

by Mike Wheeler




Late last week, Erik Karlsson announced he was purchasing 1,000 letter C's for Sens fans to use to update their Karlsson jerseys now that he had been named team captain. Fans loved the gesture, but veteran defenceman Chris Phillips - whom many believed was a shoe-in for the team's captaincy - responded in a surprising way.

Unprompted, Phillips spoke out to the media on Monday, "When I saw Erik's tweet, I thought: 'Hey, he's not the only one who can pull off a stunt like this.' All the fans out there with my jersey deserve to be up to date as well. So I went up to manager of the Sens Store and told him I would buy one letter A for every Chris Phillips jersey ever sold. And that's how I ended up with these 28 letter A's."

Week 2 Preview: Mama We're Comin' Home

Monday, October 13, 2014

By Mississippi Chris and The Capital Gains Band


This week the Sens don't have too tough a schedule, so hopefully they can pick up a few wins with Wiercioch Methot on the sidelines and Cowen on the top pair...OR NOT? Ottawa wraps up their road trip in Florida before coming home for their home opener against Colorado.

2014-15 Sens Preview with "Scoops Callaghan"

Saturday, October 11, 2014

by Joe Boughner


Everybody knows the best insider is an anonymous insider. In my case, my go-to source for all things Ottawa Senators is a mysterious insider who is totally not my four-year-old daughter. She's known only as Scoops Callaghan but she's proven to be easily as reliable as any other anonymous insider.

Scoops graciously agreed to a rare sit-down interview as the Ottawa Senators prepare to open their season on the road in Nashville this week. Here are her hottest takes - unfiltered and unedited*.

* by which I mean artfully filtered and heavily edited.