Ottawa Senators Off-Season Power Rankings - June 2013

by Chet Sellers

The end of the Senators’ season doesn’t have to mean the end of Senators analysis; if anything, it’s a time to shine for guys like me who know very little about actual hockey. Heck, I’m still trying to get my head around concepts like Corgi and Stanwyck (Stanwyck Close? Yes please!). So we’re debuting a new feature here, where we take a look at who’s having the best off-season based on their tweets, feats, and in some cases, grilled meats. Silly? Sure. Creepy? You decide. Serious analysis? Let’s go!
1) Marc Methot

Methot makes his debut at the top of the off-season power rankings because he sets the benchmark for off-season hockey life: bis and tris during the day, hitting the club at night, and spending the rest of his time playing Call of Duty and watching hockey with his basement-dwelling brother. The only downside to the off-season is that Zack Smith is no longer around to take pictures of Methot wearing drainpipe slacks with half-socks, but if Methot ever joins the rest of the guys by getting a small dog and dressing it up, I declare the hipster arms race over.

(FYI: if you can sew and know about different kinds of fabrics, hit me up and we’ll start a company marketing skinny colored jeans to guys with hockey butt. If the Senators are any indication we’ll make a billion dollars).

2) Matt Kassian

Matt Kassian is pretty easily the funniest Senator on Twitter, now focusing all his attention on his own life since he gave back Jim O’Brien’s. Kassian is hanging around Houston waiting to get married and spending his time crushing high school communications tests (Matt showing his progressive side by hyphenating the last name there). That may not sound exciting to you but he’s making the most of it.

3) De Unga Miljonärer #lalala

Erik Karlsson, Mika Zibanejad, and Robin Lehner have shown they’re not afraid to go Full Swede during the off-season, which from my limited cultural understanding consists mostly of house music, random hats, tiny dogs, modernist furniture, house music, tiny dogs, good decisions, house music, and brontosaurus steaks. Jakob, wherever you are, hit these players up! You’ve been on your own long enough.

4) Bryan Murray
The Shawville Shaker has been keeping a low profile lately, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t WORKING THE PHONES.  Murray was last heard from in late May when he mused publicly about picking up an established scorer or two by trading some of his well-accumulated depth of prospects and/or young players. Looking at you, certain young Swedes?  Watch this space!

5) Kyle Turris

Kyle Turris is also getting married later this summer, so you can forgive a bro for keeping a low profile while he finesses that ever-so-tricky seating chart.  Turris mostly tweets pictures of his dog, but took time out recently to express his concern about Major League Baseball’s “dogged” pursuit of suspected steroid cheats.  Thankfully no one has interpreted this statement to suggest that Turris in any way endorses or uses steroids, in part based on recent pictures of Kyle Turris.

6) Paul MacLean

Let’s put Paul here for now and see if he does anything to move up for next month. Hint: find the keys to your trophy cabinet, Paul!

7) Zack Smith

Smith is the team’s king of Twitter zingers, and would rank higher if he were dishing out more zings while he’s spending the summer in Saskatchewan, instead of doing whatever it is you do there. But he cracks #7 in our rankings solely on the basis of taking this picture.

8) Jared Cowen

Still probably sleeping that night off. Jerry! Join the party! Get a Twitter account! Or at least a phone!

9) Jean-Gabriel Pageau

Not saying we should be concerned about Pageau’s dedication to off-season training, but we’re already seeing a decline from his established performance level. Small sample size?

10) Sergei Gonchar

In Russia, money truck backs up to YOU! Thanks Sergei, and see you later. See the rest of you next month!

Oh wait, I forgot about #11:

Yeah, let's just say that's #1.

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; Guillaume Latendresse; Matt Spezza; the #peskysens tag; saying “Big Rig Brew” with a mouthful of gummy bears; Daugavins getting a Cup before Alfredsson (still luv u, Daugman); Eugene Melnyk’s One Direction-based fragrance; rickets.

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