Peristy Business Insider: May 29, 2014

by Luke Peristy

I haven't written anything in a while, so I'm going to over-compensate by writing one enormous article that's far too long. Hope you've got a long lunch break!

Opening Monologue

In which I rant incoherently on a topic of my choice.

I hate the Habs. I hate everything about them with a passion that burns like that stupid torch they light before every game.

I hate how Habs fans boo every "missed" call. I don't mean that I hate that they boo; every home team boos the refs. No, I literally hate how they boo. When Habs fans boo a missed call they sound genuinely aggrieved, as if it's a personal affront to them and their team. The ref is doing the best he can, and he's already ON YOUR SIDE! Shut up, and if you're so worked up about it, try to deaden your senses with that $12 Molson you're holding, like the rest of us.

I hate that the Habs are touted as some geographical and cultural phenomenon, as if the entire fanbase isn't just a loosely organized collection of smug front-runners with a certain fondness for primary colours. Oh, what's that? You had to suffer through the Jose Theodore years? Cry me a river, you silly bags of entitlement. Let's see how long your passion lasts when you're into year 8 of a rebuild and your GM is Brian Burke.

I was displeased when Boston lost to Montreal, but what I hated was that they went out like such punks and ceded the moral high ground to the Habs in the process. I hate how I have to watch the Habs be held up as the paragon of all that is good and honourable in the game of hockey as if Daniel Briere wouldn't cross-check his own mother from behind if it meant winning a cup, to say nothing of Brendan Gallagher's grin that I would politely describe as "coprophagic".

And good for Dustin Tokarski and all, but how many times are the Habs going to find some rookie goaltender to lead them out of the desert before one of them actually looks mortal? What are they doing to goalies in the basement of the Bell Centre? I can only assume it's some sort of religious ceremony where the rookie goalie has to drink communion wine out of Jacques Plante's ancient jock strap.

I'm gonna cut this short before it ends up being another 2000 words.

Speed Round

In which I use all the jokes I didn't think were good enough for Twitter.

Curtis Lazar: Curtis Lazar should show up to camp a little out of shape or post a inappropriate picture to Twitter or something. He's just a little too perfect right now, like Tim Tebow, but with less Jesus and more leadership.

Eugene Melnyk: Congrats again to The Euge for having his nasal spray pass its latest clinical trial. How can you not root for literally anyone else to own this team, though?

Top 3 Top 5

The excellence of this list could not be contained in a mere three entries, so for this week only, we're counting down the Top 5 Senators Song Parodies.

When you're a boy between the ages of 10 and 17, you consider to be song parody the pinnacle of all comedic genres. Any man who didn't want to be Weird Al at some point in their lives is a liar. For most of us, comedy song parody appreciation is a phase we grow out of around the time we discover that we'd quite like to make out with someone and a grown man playing accordion does not set the mood quite as well as we first thought. However, you'd be surprised how many people still have a copy of Dare to Be Stupid kicking around on cassette tape, assuming they remembered to take it out of their 1996 Toyota Corolla before leaving for university.

We here at Bonk's Mullet dot com are no strangers to this often underappreciated comedy genre. In this spirit of comedic excellence, I have sought out the best (read: worst) song parodies related to the Ottawa Senators. The quality of the competition was so high that I was forced to create a marking system to objectively rank the songs, lest this list become too arbitrary. All songs were marked based on the following criteria.

(Lack of) Vocal Quality ( /10): The more a song sounds as if it was sung by someone who might be construed as possessing talent, the lower this score will be.

Forced-ness of Lyrics ( /10): The less the song's lyrics fit with the original, the higher this score will be.

Unintentional Humour ( /10): You'll know it when you see it.

Zeitgeist Capture ( /5): It's no surprise to anyone that the best parody songs work with the best source material. Why do you think a song like Smells Like Nirvana has stood the test of time? The more "dated" a song is, the higher this score will be.

Intangibles ( /5): There are some songs with fantastic grit and leadership qualities on this list.

Total Marks Available: 40

Let's get to the hilarity!

No. 5: All the Leafs Stink (Parody of All the Small Things)

Choice Lyric: Darcy / Tucker / That little ****er

(Lack of) Vocal Quality: (7/10) The vocals in this song have a sort of nasal quality, like how I imagine Jim O'Brien would sound at karaoke night, but it doesn't sound entirely unlike the original. Top marks to the vocalist for really going after those "Na"s in the chorus.

Forced-ness of Lyrics: (6/10) No real attempt has been made to follow the lyrical structure of the original. The "She left me broken by the stairs" line changes the rhythm of the verse in the original, and this song could have used that here. Weird Al would never have stood for something so ordinary.

Unintentional Humour: (2/10) This song is pretty well a straight shooter, although the irony of calling Curtis Joseph "a sieve" around the time he shut out Ottawa 9 times in a 4 game series (I swear this happened) is not lost on me.

Zeitgeist Capture: (5/5) Could anything broadcast "The year was 2001..." like a Blink-182 parody song that contains chirps about Darcy Tucker, Shayne Corson, and Pat Quinn? Well, perhaps this Hey Ya parody, but still.

Intangibles: (1/5) Much like the Senators teams of its time, there's nothing wrong with this song, but it doesn't seem to have that something extra that would push it over the edge.

Score: 21/40

No. 4: Pesky Back (Parody of Sexy Back)

Choice Lyric: We're bringing pesky back / Alfredsson, Karlsson and Michalek

(Lack of) Vocal Quality: (4/10) This song is easily the least vocally offensive on the list. This is probably because it's been auto-tuned to within an inch of its life, but what good is technology if you're not going to use it to make you seem more awesome than you actually are. [*Goes back to managing his Facebook and Twitter*]

Forced-ness of Lyrics: (8/10) In the first verse alone, the word "back" is rhymed with "Michalek" and "back". I will say no more on this matter.

Unintentional Humour: (8/10) The lip synching in this song is pretty amusing, but when The Maclone shows up so some girls extol that the "coach looks like a walrus", the video goes from good to great. Just when you think it can't get better, 1:05 happens, and The Maclone. Breaks. It. The. Funk. Down. I know The Maclone must look great in the club, because that's exactly how I dance.

Zeitgeist Capture: (2/5) Sexy Back is a timeless classic. Justin Timberlake is the Frank Sinatra of our age, only with less Mafia connections. That said, "pesky" is SO 2013.

Intangibles: (3/5) This is the only song on this list not recorded by the Team 1200, so I'd like to keep encouraging CTV Ottawa to continue their involvment in the parody song game. Will video kill the radio parody star? Only time will tell.

Score: 25/40

No. 3: I Got a Feeling (Parody of I Got a Feeling)

Choice Lyric: They'll crap their pants / That's why they're called "De Pens"

(Lack of) Vocal Quality: (7/10) This song sounds only marginally worse than the Black Eyed Peas original, but that's a bar that's so low, it's more of an extremely narrow ditch.

Forced-ness of Lyrics: (9/10) I can't figure out if the auto-tuned "Ruuuuttuuuuuu" is terrible or a stroke of brilliance.

Unintentional Humour: (5/10) Let's run through that list of names: Alfie, "Volchie", Elliot, Kelly, Spezza, Phillips, Fisher, and Campoli. 75% of that list isn't on the team any more, two or three of them would later be described as "bad guys", and one is going to be likely going to be acrimoniously run out of town this summer. Still, at least that 2010 team actually made the playoffs.

Speaking of which, Brian Elliot once started playoff games for the Ottawa Senators. That makes me laugh, but then I have a particularly dark sense of humour.

Zeitgeist Capture: (5/5) "Boy, that Peter Regin sure looks great, doesn't he? He'll be around forever. Spezza finally found his winger." - Everyone, May 2010

Intangibles: (1/5) This video ends with Matt Carkner's 3OT goal, which would be the last good thing to happen to the Senators for quite some time.

Score: 27/40

No. 2: Paul is the Walrus (Parody of I am the Walrus)

Choice Lyric: Karlsson's the d-man / Alfie's the captain / Paul is the Walrus / Go go Sens go

(Lack of) Vocal Quality: (9/10) I tried dropping acid before listening to this, but it didn't help.

Forced-ness of Lyrics: (10/10) Turning "I'm crying" into "The Habs are crying" was an inspired work of genius. I also liked how "Corporation t-shirt" turned into a line about a Sens jersey. Way to keep the sartorial theme going, there.

Unintentional Humour: (5/10) Any time you can record a parody song using a MIDI file backing track, you have to do it.

Zeitgeist Capture: (1/5) The Beatles had two of the greatest song writers of the 20th century, and it's sad to hear their work degraded in this way. If there had been another pop song written that heavily featured a walrus, no doubt it would have been a better fit. Instead we get this desecration of the Magical Mystery Tour and everything it stands for. (Drugs, mostly.)

Intangibles: (5/5) Dave "The Voice" Schreiber's call of Pageau's hat trick is dubbed over top of the song at one point, and it's by far the best part of the song.

Score: 31/40

No. 1: Sens Play Friday (Parody of Friday)

Choice Lyric: *Unintelligible kazoo*

(Lack of) Vocal Quality: (15/10) *Luke is passed out in his chair, bleeding from the ears*

Forced-ness of Lyrics: (8/10) "Patrick Weircioch" is rhymed with "Big Marc Methot", among other crimes against humanity.

Unintentional Humour: (??/10) I have no idea how to grade this. How are you supposed to treat an intentionally bad parody of a song that is, itself, intentionally bad. This is way too meta.

Zeitgeist Capture: (4/5) Shout outs to Cory Conacher, Bobby Ryan, and Jason Spezza who "now leads this team". Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013-2014 Ottawa Senators!

Intangibles: (5/5) Even the TEAM 1200 reached their breaking point with this song and refused to play the whole thing. You win, Friday. You win.

Score: 32+/40

Let us never speak of this again.

Tweet Bag

In which I answer your questions delivered through the medium of Twitter.

This question hits particularly close to home. Any cursory inspection of family photos indicates that I am likely to be follically challenged at some point assuming I am not adopted. While I intend on greeting my eventual genetic in-hair-itance with my usual good grace and humour, this is not a question I take lightly. Before moving further, I would like to posit that Chris Phillips is not, in fact, balding. There is ample evidence that Chris Phillips' hair is migrating from the top of his head to the front of his face. That being said, it doesn't change the fact that the Chris Phillips is currently rocking a hairstyle that is best be described as "My Dad". So, what can be done in lieu thereof?

A comb-over is completely out of the question. In the late 1960s, English footballing great Bobby Charlton wore what can only be described as The Daniel Alfredsson of Comb Overs. Since that time, the rest of the sporting world has rightly retired the comb-over, much in the same way Wayne Gretzky's #99 has been retired throughout the NHL. A fitting tribute to a hairstyle unmatched throughout history.

Let's look at Chris Phillips' own teammate for inspiration. There is one man on the Ottawa Senators who maintains a head so bald, he is indistinguishable from Caillou, and that man is Craig Anderson. Anderson has been shaving his head for so long, if you do a Google Image Search for "Craig Anderson with hair", the results returned to you aren't even the Craig Anderson you're looking for.

I finally tracked down a picture of Craig Anderson from before he became as concerned with being as aerodynamic as he is now. As far as I can tell, this is the only picture in existence depicting a non-bald Craig Anderson.

Anderson later had the Getty Images watermark surgically removed in an off-season procedure.
This is a picture from a happier time. Look at how great Craig and his hair are together before their tragic breakup. (Craig's forehead would eventually move on to work for Erik Condra.) Still, all good things must come to an end, and it's clear that Anderson knew the fate that eventually awaited him, took matters into his own hands, and shaved his head to assert his control over nature. I admire this quality.

However, every once in a while, there comes a man who looks at the worst nature can do, and decides that he's capable of doing nature one better. Al Iafrate was one such man. Iafrate took a look at what had been taken from him, and grew out what remained in a proud act of defiance.

It's impossible to intimidate a man who possesses both a 105.2 MPH slapshot and a skullet.
Ultimately, Iafrate ended up with a looking like Professor Quirrell from Harry Potter, only with a black, greasy Cthulhu living on the back of his head in lieu of the Dark Lord Voldemort. The pièce de résistance is certainly the hair on the top of Iafrate's head, floating like a furry island in a sea of scalp. That hair is not going down without a fight. You're gonna have to step up and TAKE that hair from Al Iafrate, nature!

So to answer the original question, Chris Phillips can shave his head if he wants, but I don't think he should. His current look lends him a certain credibility that will serve him well as Next Captain of the Ottawa Senators™. [Chet Sellers' muffled ranting can be heard in the background]

Definitely my Ottawa Senators condiment set.

That's right, ketchup and mustard. *kisses biceps*
Beat that, Kevin Lee!

 *Sits down in front of keyboard*

*Cracks fingers*

Well, I do love a good challenge. Let's see here...

Webster's Dictionary defines "good" as "of high quality", and that definition is not going to make this any easier. It seems all sports fans want these days is for their owner to be an anthropomorphic bag of money that never says anything controversial, and is rarely seen except to receive the Stanley Cup he just financed. Granted, there's a lot of arguments in favour of that view, but to those who agree, I say this:

Where is the fun in that?

Eugene Melnyk is by far the most frustrating part of the Ottawa Senators, but you can't deny that the man is entertaining, and what do you watch sports for if not to be entertained? At the very least, he gives us something to talk about during a long off-season when we might otherwise be forced to focus on the draft, or player development, or other "hockey operations". Show me another fanbase that's as invested in the success of a nasal spray that's being touted as "Viagra for women". There's so much I know about because of Eugene Melnyk. The pharmaceutical industy, the stock market, horse racing, Barbados, weird accounting, and the effect of divorce settlements on personal wealth are just a few of the things I know about because of this great man. Eugene Melnyk is more than an owner. He is giving each and every one of us an education. When you're tired of Eugene Melnyk, you're tired of life.

Either that, or you want your team to actually spend to the salary cap for a change, and I can't really blame you, there.

Your Moment of Sen

Neon tank tops and Mexican luchador masks are the hot new look of the summer!
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