Eugene Melnyk's "Tefina" and other Miracle Drugs

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff


Reports have surfaced that Eugene Melnyk's Trimel Pharmaceuticals Corp. has successfully designed and tested a testosterone nasal spray named "Tefina" that significantly increases a woman's ability to orgasm. Tefina will replace Ottawa's previous treatment for sexual dysfunction:

I need a cold shower.
While the news of the drug's development has left some Sens fans hopeful that a bump in Trimel's share price could mean an increase in Ottawa's internal budget, we here at Bonk's Mullet are more intrigued by the other products Trimel has in the works. Straight from the desk of Eugene Melnyk, here is Trimel's newest lineup of miracle drugs currently undergoing rigorous testing**:
  • Beachadril: a mildly hallucogenic drug that induces free agents to react positively to snow. Early clinical trials on Bobby Ryan appear positive.
  • Grybafex: an unusually-effective hair growth treatment sourced from stem cells that Trimel refuses to identify.
  • Piggybacking on the success of his Oil Changers campaign, Chris Neil has paired up with playoff hero Jean-Gabriel Pageau to market Melnyk's newest skincare line: Oil of Olé.
  • Official testimony from actual hockey player Chris Phillips (not an actor!): "Melnyk’s new age-defying serum has helped me look younger and close a big deal at work!" Chris also sent along his best wishes to Stéphane Da Costa, who appears to have taken double the recommended dosage.
  • Condrasil: an eyedrop product intended to improve depth perception and spatial awareness at close distances. Still in the testing phase.
  • While Melnyk claims to have finally cloned a Swede after years of failed attempts, his medical staff insists that it's not out of the ordinary for two adult Swedish men to share the name "Erik Karlsson."
  • Ottawa Senators fans suffering from ventricular septal defects have been shown to react positively to Bobby Ryan.
  • Greenix: A skin cream that improves one’s projection of leadership abilities. Good early returns but appears to expire within 12 months.
  • CheeseCakotin: You'll be big booty poppin' this anal suppository that amplifies your bust into a pair of winners.
Craig Adams can't believe we went there. (Photo credit: Wayne Cuddington, Ottawa Citizen)
  • Binghamtec: A quick cure for all your nasty prima donna prospect infections.
  • Kubax: Instantly turn any average Joe into a top two defenceman*! *must be taken alongside Erik Karlsson.
  • Potentially positive revenue streams resulting from military applications of recent DNA-sequencing experiments with Robin Lehner. Melnyk defends Trimel against charges of human genetic manipulation. “Lehner just gave us a jar of blood,” Melnyk says. “We didn’t even ask for it.”
  • MikeLundinol: Render any player invisible within minutes! "It works," says some guy named Jim O'Brien. Also extremely effective on flash mobs and post-olympic team record webpages.
  • "Are you tired of signing aging veterans to long term contracts just to fill a leadership void? Do you feel the pressure of your fan base to keep players who reached their prime in 2004, simply because they never abandoned you? Then check out Phillipsateminophen! Creates veteran leadership among young players without having to sign a man on his last leg* to a 2 year contract!" *Does not make up for the loss of Milan Michalek.
  • NikitaFilatex: Have you recently gone through a rough breakup? Do you find yourself making bad decisions in the bedroom? Well worry no more with NikitaFilatex, because "Filly don't do rebounds."
  • "Any idiot can be healthy," said Melnyk. "When curing arthritis, it's all about cost per joint."
Invest in any or all of the above drugs and you'll have all of your internal-budget woes cured in days! Stay tuned for more insider info from the Trimel camp, only at BonksMullet.com.

Thanks for reading!

**No Patrick Perssons were harmed in the testing of these products.