How the Sens can have the PERFECT summer
by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)
NOTE: This article is sponsored by the biggest film of the summer, "SUICIDE SQUAD", in theaters nationwide August 5th
Another long NHL season is finally over, and another spoiled franchise that everybody hates has again captured hockey's ultimate prize. Yuck.
But this is meant to be a happy article, so force that surge of vomit back down your throat and let's look on the bright side: the offseason is officially here! And between the Senators getting a new coach, losing an old defenseman, and Erik Karlsson randomly just flaunting his ripped bod, lots has already happened. But what else should happen? How can the Senators turn this summer into the BEST. SUMMER. EVER??
As usual, I have all the answers:
MIKE HOFFMAN GETS SIGNED LONG TERM
At this point, I think everyone but Dave Cameron understands that Mike Hoffman is one of the NHL's elite goal-scorers, regardless of which metric you use. Hoffman is currently a restricted free agent, and after playing through the 2015-16 season on a measly $2M contract that was awarded by an arbitrator, you can bet that Hoffman will be looking to cash in. So if the Senators truly want to have the most radical summer in franchise history, they're going to have to pay the price, no matter how steep.
ALEX CHIASSON IS TRADED... TO THE DAMN SUN!!1!
Oh, you thought this was going to be a serious article??
NOTE: This seriously deranged joke has been brought to you in the style of Jared Leto's Joker. See him in action on August 5th in "SUICIDE SQUAD" #itsgoodtobebad #darkcarnivalofsouls
For real though, Alex Chiasson is probably a good guy, but he is worse at hockey than everyone else on the team so please get rid of him if at all possible. Thank you.
CURTIS LAZAR CATCHES THE ICE CREAM TRUCK ON HIS BICYCLE
After years of trying and routinely coming up short, Curtis Lazar can have the most bodacious summer of his life by getting on his brand new bike and pedaling his little heart out the moment he hears that creepy jingle coming down his street. Nothing would make him feel more accomplished going into next year than securing a nice cold fudgesicle on sweltering day, or perhaps one of those baseball gloves where the baseball itself is actually a little gumball embedded in the popsicle. Do they still make those? I don't know, but I know who can find out: my friend Curti (that is not a typo, that is his nickname).
CRAIG ANDERSON FINALLY REMEMBERS TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND DOESN'T GET A VERY BAD SUNBURN ON HIS SCALP FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Craig Anderson, infamous for being injury-prone, can reverse that reputation and have the most tubular summer on record by simply rubbin' some sunscreen on his dome. For once, don't come to camp with a bunch of blisters and peeling skin up there, Craig! Lather that bad boy up or simply throw a hat on, my man! YOU CAN DO THIS!!
CHRIS WIDEMAN ISN'T MISTAKEN FOR THE GUY WHO PLAYS JARED ON HBO'S SILICON VALLEY
Because it would really suck for Chris if he was.
MIKE KOSTKA IS MISTAKEN FOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Because that would be really dope for Mike if he was.
THE WHOLE SENATORS ORGANIZATION GOES TO SEE SUICIDE SQUAD IN THEATERS ON AUGUST 5TH
NOTE: I have been compensated handsomely by the creators of "SUICIDE SQUAD"