Bryan Murray Trades Jason Spezza: The Secret Transcript

By Luke Peristy

As you may be aware, the captain of YOUR Ottawa Senators, Jason Spezza, is the subject of trade rumours prior to the 2014 NHL Entry Draft. We here at Bonk's Mullet dot com have acquired some of the transcripts of Bryan Murray's negotiating process. We would like to present them to you now.

(Phone Rings)

Tim Murray: Go for Tim.

Bryan Murray: Sup, nephew?

Tim: Things are pretty busy in Buffalo these days. We've got four draft picks in the first two rounds, and the 2nd pick overall. 

Bryan: That must bring a smile to your face.

Tim: Not really.

Bryan: I know, that was a joke. Hey, speaking of 2nd overall picks, I wanted to let you know that you were on Jason's no-trade list, so we won't be able to trade him to you.

Tim: Have you thought about putting him on waivers?

Bryan: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: Isn't that your move, though?

Bryan: That was one time, okay?

Tim: Just sayin', I'm always happy to take your hand-me-downs if you don't need them in Ottawa anymore. Hey, what's Patrick Wiercioch doing next year?

(Bryan hangs up)

Bryan Murray can't believe the treatment he gets from his own nephew.


(Bryan Murray's phone rings)

Murray: Bryan speaking.

Stan Bowman: Hey Bryan, this is Stan Bowman calling.

Murray: What can I do for you, Stan?

Bowman: Well, we made a good run at the Cup last year, but we're always looking for ways to improve our team. I was wondering if you had any assets you'd be willing to give up for Patrick Sharp.

Murray: Patrick's a great player, Stan, but I'm afraid Erik has a clause built into his contract that we can't trade for any player who's better looking than he is.

Bowman: Erik? Wait a second, which Erik?

Murray: (muttering) Not the one you'd expect...

Bowman: Huh?

Murray: Having the best beard on the team is important to some people, apparently.

Bowman: Go figure.

Murray: What about Jonathan Toews? Nothing to worry about with that guy's beard situation!

Bowman: What's wrong with you? How many NHL teams do you think go around just trading their captains like it's nothing?

Murray: Uhhhhhhhh . . . gottagobye!

(Murray slams the phone down)

Murray: God, I hate the Western Conference.


(Phone rings)

Answering Machine: Hello, you've reached Dean Lombardi (champagne bottles pop in the background). I'm not able to come to the phone right now (sounds of crowd chanting, "Chug! Chug! Chug!'), but if you leave me a brief message (unidentified voice yells, "Oh my God, this is SO much better than Columbus!"), I'll get back to you as soon as I can (voice yells, "Columbus can kiss my a-).

(Voicemail beep)

(Murray hangs up)

Bryan Murray hates getting the machine.


(Phone rings)

Doug Wilson: Hi, this is Doug.

Murray: Hey Doug, it's Bryan Murray. I was wondering . . .

Murray and Wilson: (simultaneously) Would you be interested in trading for our top line center who wears number 19 and has a reputation for not being able to get it done?

Murray and Wilson: (simultaneously) Jinx!

Murray: Never mind. Talk to you later, Doug.

(Murray hangs up)


(Phone rings)

Dave Nonis: It's The Daver! Let's talk hockey!

Murray: Hello Dave, it's Bryan Murray calling.

Nonis: B-Money! My main man! How're things in Ottawa, or as I like to call it, "Budget Rent-A-Karlsson"? Damn I'm hilarious! Seriously though, what's going on?

Murray: Well, we just got the air conditioning fixed last week, and . . .

Nonis: (interrupts and yells away from phone) Jessica, this Kobe beef you got for lunch is terrible! Get me something else! And why is that ugly carpet still in the boardroom? I told you we're going hardwood this year. Money is no object! (speaking back into the phone) Sorry B-Unit, you were saying?

Murray: You know what, it's not important. Hey, do you have anybody you're looking to trade? Maybe a youngish prospect, or a defenseman, or maybe both?

Nonis: Dude, how'd you know? We've got these two young guys that I think might be okay, but Randall thinks they're no good because all they are focused on is scoring. It's crazy around here!

Murray: Oh, that's cool. I, uh, had no idea. No idea at all. Is there any chance you might be interested in Jason Spezza? Maybe you can use him as a second line centre behind Tyler Bozak.

Nonis: No can do, B-Roseph. We're only looking for guys who score Cup winning goals in Toronto. Hey, what's your boy Chris Phillips doing?

Murray: (suddenly very passionate) I don't care what you offer! Chris Phillips is untradeable! Untradeable, do you hear me!?

Nonis: Yo, I gotta let you go, B-Sauce. Bolland's agent is on the other line. I am NOT going to lose this guy like you lost Clarkson last year. Later, loser!

(Nonis hangs up)

(Phone rings)

Peter Chiarelli: Peter speaking.

Murray: Hi Peter, it's Bryan Murray calling.

Chiarelli: Aah, Bryan. Lovely to hear from you. How's Boston's farm team coming along?

Murray: (innocently) I don't know. I've never been to Providence.

Chiarelli: Don't play coy with me, Bryan. You know exactly what I mean. Why are you calling?

Murray: Well, I'm just trying to gauge interest in Jason Spezza right now. Would you be interested in making a trade?

Chiarelli: That's very generous, Bryan, but I think you know by now that the Boston Bruins only trade for veterans with expiring contracts at the trade deadline. Ask me again in March. Oh, and do give my best to Bobby Ryan.

Murray: Hey, wait a second . . .

Chiarelli: Goodbye, Bryan.

(Chiarelli hangs up)

Bryan Murray ponders exactly what Peter Chiarelli could mean by his comments.


(Phone rings)

Ken Holland: Hi, this is Ken.

Murray: Hey Ken. I'm exploring the market for Jason Spezza. Would you be interested in making a deal?

Holland: I think we've got enough centres right now. We don't really need another one.

Murray: No problem. I still don't know how I feel about same-division trades, anyway. I was always taught that a trade is something that happens between the Eastern Conference and the Western Conference.

Holland: You come from a different generation, Bryan. The times are changing. Hey, while I've got you here, I was wondering if I could get some advice.

Murray: Sure, go ahead.

Holland: Ok, let's say you've got this winger who may or may not retire, and there's a lot of uncertainty around him.

Murray: Uh huh.

Holland: And let's say that if he comes back, he's probably going to want more money than he's worth.

Murray: Uh huh.

Holland: Do you think you'd still pay the winger in that situation?

Murray: Probably not.

Holland: Yeah, I figured you'd say that. Talk to you later, Bryan.

(Holland hangs up)


(Phone rings)

Answering Machine: Hey, you've reached "The Tallon" (cheesy eagle screech sound effect), General Manager for the Florida Panthers (cheesy cat hissing sound effect). Leave a message after the beep, and I'll get back to you.

(Voicemail beep)

Murray: Hi Dale, it's Bryan Murray here. I just wanted to discuss the possibility of-

(Someone suddenly picks up the line)

Dale Tallon: Bryan! I'm here! What's up?

Murray: Wait, you were there the whole time?

Tallon: Yeah, I'm in the office, but I love that voicemail message so much that sometimes I just let it ring, you know?

Murray: . . . You still use an answering machine that records onto a tape?

Tallon: What can I say? I have a certain fondness for old stuff that some people think has outlived its usefulness.

Murray: (under his breath) That explains that Tim Thomas contract, I guess . . .

Tallon: What was that?

Murray: Nothing, nothing. Hey, you wouldn't be interested in trading for Jason Spezza, would you? His back is practically an antique!

Tallon: Hey, why not? He and Roberto can pretend to be super Italian together! What would you want in return?

Murray: Well, I was looking at the draft order, and . . .

Tallon: Say no more, Bryan. I know exactly what you mean. The 32nd overall pick is yours!

Murray: Actually, I was thinking that maybe the first-

Tallon: (interrupting) I'll get the paperwork drawn up! Keep in touch, Bryan!

(Tallon hangs up)


(Phone rings)

Bob Murray: Hello, this is GM Murray.

Bryan Murray: Hello GM Murray, this is GM Murray.

Bob: Dammit, Tim! I already told you I'm not putting Silfverberg on waivers!

Bryan: This is Bryan Murray, you idiot!

Bob: Oh, sorry Bryan. My mistake. You've got a very persistent nephew, you know.

Bryan: Tell me about it.

Bob: Anyway, what's going on?

Bryan: Well, we're having a little trouble with one of our first-line forwards. He's only got one year of his contract left, and we're worried he might not stay with us.

Bob: Hey man, Bobby Ryan is your problem now. No trade-backsies.

Bryan: I'm not talking about Bobby. I'm talking about Jason.

Bob: Oh damn, you've got more than one of those guys? Sucks to be you. Anaheim is so much better! We've got these two guys, Getzlaf and Perry. Man, I bet you wish you could have drafted those guys.

Bryan: Well, actually . . .

Bob: (interrupting) They are so good in the playoffs! You can't imagine how impossible they are to coach against.

Bryan: Well, actually . . .

Bob: (interrupting) And the weather in Anaheim is just unreal year round. It's a great place to live.

Bryan: . . . I have to go, Bob.

(Bryan hangs up)

Bryan Murray fondly remembers his past life in California.


(Phone rings)

Doug Armstrong: Hi, Doug here.

Murray: Hey Doug, this is Bryan Murray.

Armstrong: Bryan! How are things?

Murray: Oh, you know . . . fiscally responsible. What about you?

Armstrong: Oh, I'm pretty happy where we're at. We've got a good core, a good young goaltender in Brian Elliot, and a bit of cap space to play around with this summer. We're feeling good.

Murray: Sorry, did you say your goaltender is Brian Elliott?

Armstrong: Yeah.

(Murray pauses)

Murray: Like the Brian Elliot?

Armstrong: That's correct.

Murray: He's your starter?

Armstrong: Affirmative.

Murray: Well, I guess if you don't think you can get anyone better . . .

Armstrong: Oh, we had Ryan Miller last season, but he's no Brian Elliott, let me tell you.

Murray: I think we can agree on that, Doug.

Armstrong: Anything I can do for you?

Murray: Well, I was wondering if you'd be interested in trading for Jason Spezza.

Armstrong: What are you looking for back? Two players who are worse and a draft pick?

Murray: That's better than anything else I've heard so far.

Armstrong: Alright. I'll put together a package and get back to you. Hey, maybe Jason can figure out who this "Clewstin" guy is. Brian keeps on yelling about him in his sleep.

Murray: Maybe, Doug, but who's to know for sure? Keep in touch!

(Murray hangs up)
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