LEAKED: Here's what an NHL All-Star invite looks like

by Joe Boughner and Bonk's Mullet

Dear Mr. Ryan,

Congratulations on being selected to play in the 2015 NHL All-Star Game. Finally, all-star calibre players are headed to Columbus!

The festivities kick off on Friday, January 23 with the Honda(R) All-Star Draft(TM), followed on Saturday, January 24 with the always-anticipated Honda(R) NHL(R) All-Star Skills Competition(TM) and wrapping up with the Honda(R) NHL(R) All(C)-Star(*) Game(TM).

All brought to you by KIA!

It's been a few years since we've done one of these and we've got a lot of first timers coming so we wanted to remind you all of a few of the rules. Just remember, the first rule is to have fun!

"Cher M. Eaton, would you be kind enough to send
a radioactive sweater for my son who is 10 years old?

1) Have fun! (We weren't blowing smoke up there, guys).

2) This year's festivities will feature a mascot race and we apologize in advance for the confusion this has caused. So to clarify for the last time, Phil Kessel will be playing in the all-star game, not the mascot showdown. It turns out "no talent ass clown" is his scouting report, not his artist's bio.

3) Thanking the host city during media scrums has become something of an All-Star tradition. However, there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. To make matters simple, we've prepared a short guide video narrated by Buffalo Sabres GM Tim Murray. You can find it here: http://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ.

4) In response to the uptick in interest in analytics a few new events have been added to the skills competition. In addition to the Bridgestone NHL Fastest Skater (TM) and Gatorade NHL Skills Challenge Relay, this year's competition will feature the Sun Media Shooting Percentage Showdown (players will take 100 shots on a shooter tutor; player with most goals wins) and Damien Cox and Friends Corsi Event Classic (same as above but every shot counts and everyone wins because, seriously, what the hell is Corsi anyway?).

5) Yeah, no. Okay. We actually were blowing smoke up there. The real first rule is no pretending to be hurt just to get out of this. Our corporate sponsors fans look forward to this event and it's our contractual obligation opportunity to show off our wonderful game. To this end, as in past years, anyone named to the All Star Game who can't participate due to injury will have to miss the next two regular season games as well. But since that doesn't seem to actually stop anyone anyway, please list your "medical issues" and "injuries" on the attached form. And, please, for the sake of appearances, no fake diseases like Ohioitis, Swollen Bettmans or "mumps." At least make it plausible.

We look forward to seeing you at the event! Please send our apologies to Mr. Condra. We mistakenly addressed our previous invitation simply to "Erik," and this seems to have caused some confusion. To avoid making this mistake again, we have decided to avoid inviting any Eriks from your organization. Thank you for your understanding. But please do tell Mr. Condra that we appreciated his 2000 word acceptance letter.

See you in Columbus! Oh, and bring a jacket!
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