The Official Bonk's Mullet Funny Playoff Roundable With Jokes

by Unpaid Interns


You wanted it! (Hopefully) And you got it! (Sort of) A table so round, it's basically a sphere! Let's dive right into what we all came here for: unsolicited opinions lazily created in a last-minute email chain!

Series prediction (how many games will it take the Sens to knock off the Habs?)

Gainsy: I think the Jets will win it in 6. Anaheim is a good team, but I just don't know if they'll be able to match the intencity intenseity vehemence of the Jets. It will be a close--- what's that? Oh, you wanted an Ottawa prediction. Didn't the Ice Dogs already eliminate the 67's from the playoffs?

Pundits agree that Ottawa's size on defence
will be a major factor in this series
Mike: Sens in 4 and not only because this is a humour blog. Looking at the last couple of months, there is nothing there to make me think that the Sens have any reason to lose one out of the next four games. But maybe you're saying that the playoffs are a whole new season. Maybe you're thinking regular season success has nothing to do with the postseason. You know what else you can do? You can SHUT IT!

Joe: Series predictions are for lame-wads. I'm giving you game predictions:
Game 1: Ottawa 3 - Montreal 1 with Pageau notching a hat trick
Game 2: Ottawa 2 - Montreal 3 with Montreal winning on a controversial OT goal featuring Gallagher crashing the net
Game 3: Ottawa 1 - Montreal 0 with Hammond making 42 saves for his first career playoff shutout
Game 4: Ottawa 4 - Montreal 2 with Pageau scoring another hat trick and Lazar notching four points
Game 5: Ottawa 3 - Montreal 4 with Pageau actually scoring on his own net to make sure Ottawa wins at home
Game 6: Ottawa 4 - Montreal 1 with Pageau scoring and assisting on all four goals. Somehow.

Kevin: Four games or six games just so we can win in the 613. Don't want to end up winning in front of an empty building after all.

Steve: I was going to say Ottawa in 5 - which gives them a 4-1 Series lead. But based on scarring memories, I don't trust 4-1 leads over the Habs so I'll say Sens in 6.

Bonk: Ottawa takes an early four-games-to-none series lead, but Montreal fans insist that the result is an injustice given that the scorekeeper unfairly counted each of Ottawa's goals and added them up to a total that was greater than the total of the number of Montreal's goals on four separate occasions, clearly indicating a bias towards "whoever the other team was."

Who will be the hero?

Gainsy: Everyone is probably expecting me to say Legwand, but I'm going to go with Todd Bertuzzi. I think once he returns from his knee injury, he'll be the force that drives the Sens into the second round.

Mike: Hands-down it's got to be Lyndon Slewidge. Need motivation to push your team over the edge for the sweep in game four? Bring in Slewidge. Want to intimidate your opponents into rethinking this whole hockey thing? Better have Slewidge on speed-dial. Runner-up: Patrick Wiercioch. He will be the only one to surpass Pageau for most hat-tricks in this series.

Joe: You'd think based on the above that the answer is Pageau. It's actually Mike Wheeler. His tweet jokes propel the team to victory.

Mike: I approve! A+++

Joe: Congrats, now your selfish reaction to my "praise" will be captured in the roundtable. All the world will see your conceit and self absorption! You will lose the affection of your adoring public and I will swoop in to be the new Fourth Favourite RBM Blogger (TM).


Mike: Is this still part of the roundtable?

Joe: Damn. Hoisted by my own petard.

Everyone else: *Ignores Joe and Mike*

Kevin: Paul MaClone who will be a big enough of a distraction to torment Therrien.

Steve: Hello 2013 Playoff Steve On Sens. Congrats on hitting 80 twitter followers. Yes, we signed future power forward Colin Greening. You're here to hear that he's blossomed into the top 6 forward that we envisioned and that he'll lead the Senators (still captained by Daniel Alfredsson of course) to victory. I'm sorry young Steve, I'm sorry. Oh...I still have to submit a vote? Michel Therrien's bracelet.

Bonk: P.K. Subban will be a hero to his teammates, as he selflessly continues not to score. Meanwhile Erik Karlsson lets his team, friends, family, pets, and acquaintances down by scoring on many occasions.

Who will be the goat?

Gainsy: Spartacat. He's done well this year at aggravating the opposing team's fans, but with seats only being sold to locals in Ottawa, there won't be anyone there that he can attack. He also has been known for disappearing during important games, which is why he was benched for the majority of the mascot's game during All-Star weekend. I'm not saying if the Sens lose it will entirely be his fault, but, actually yeah, if they lose it's his fault. And Mendes'.

Mike: Win or lose, we all know that this is all on Chris Neil.

Joe: Oddly, Mike Wheeler again. His glory goes to his head and he ends up one pun over the line.

Kevin: The Spartan when he makes a re-appearance in Game 3.

Steve: I'm not even going to make a joke here. It's the snowman who shows up to every public event. What is he? Where is he from? Does he have a family? Why is he at the Mike Duffy trial? Seriously. He scares me and I don't sleep anymore. If we lose it is the snowman's fault.

Bonk: Erik Karlsson will be the G.O.A.T.

Sweet flow? Spotty facial hair? G.O.A.T.

What will #UniteUsInRage this round?

Gainsy: If Pageau doesn't get at least 12 goals.

Mike: Your coworkers. 75% of them are Habs fans. How is that even possible?

Joe: Mike Wheeler. Eff that guy.

Kevin: When we find out we're somehow playing the Penguins in Round 2.

Steve: The slogan "Young And Hungry." I hope they've scrapped it since #LetsWinItAll has come out but seriously. It cannot be worse. It combines the typical awfulness of Sens slogans but it also makes you feel gross while saying it. Also my friend Hugh who is a Habs fan angers me.

Bonk: When Lyndon Slewidge doesn't sing the anthems for all 4 games.

That wraps up what was probably the first RBM roundtable! It's pretty safe to say you won't be reading another one of these babies until we are completely out of ideas again and need a lot of words really fast.

See you next week!

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