How the Euge Stole Christmas

by Dr. Bonk's Mullet

Every Sens fan in O-Town liked winning a lot...
But the Euge, who lived way south of O-Town, did NOT!
The Euge hated winning! And the whole playoff season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his Biovail shares missed the mark.
It could be, perhaps, that his tan was too dark.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his wallet or his tan,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the fans.
Staring down from his box with a sour, Eugey frown,
At the home goal light glowing as his team's defense broke down.

For he knew every fan down in O-Town below,
Was busy now, watching their losing streak grow.
"They'll demand a better roster!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Eugey brain nervously devising,
"I MUST find some way to stop the salary cap from rising!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the fans feeling bitter,
Would demand he spend the cap. They'd rush straight for Twitter!

And then! Oh, the tweets!
Oh, the tweets! Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!
That's one thing he hated!
The Tweets! Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!

Then the fans, young and old, would go online to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post! POST! POST! POST! POST!
Those random useless bloggers would sit down to boast,
Which was something the Euge hated the most!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Sens fan in O-Town, the tall and the small,
Would all band together, the most recent loss stinging
They'd stand phones in hand. And the TSN 1200 lines would start ringing!

They'd yap! And they'd yap!
And they'd YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
And the more the Euge heard "let's move Karlsson to wing",
The more the Euge thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for eleven years I've tried spending now!"
"I MUST stop the fans from complaining! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Euge sharpened his claws.
And he made a quick Sparty Cat coat with four paws.
“What a great Eugey trick!" His laugh was quite hearty.
"With this mane and these paws, I look just like Sparty!"

"All I need is a partner for Karlsson..." The Euge looked around.
But, since d-men are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Euge? No! The Euge simply said,
"If I can't find a defender, I'll sign an old one instead!"

So he called his friend Phillips, and he took a white letter,
And he threaded it right to the front of his sweater.
Then he called up some vets and got ready to deal,
And he handed a three-year contract to Chris Neil.

Then the Euge said, "Let's go!" The leadership core took aim,
At the dressing room, the players getting ready for the game.
The atmosphere was pleasant. T-Swift did blare.
All the players were lacing their skates without care,
When he came to the first locker stall in the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Euge hissed,
As he looked at his team, pink slips in his fist.
He was going to slash the budget. He was cheaper than Scrooge.
But, if that ol' bugger could do it, then so could the Euge.

He felt bad only once, for a moment or two.
But given their losing streak, he knew just what to do.
Where his lineup of cup hopefuls all sat in a row.
"These stars," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

And he let them all go, on a wing and a prayer.
Around the whole room, he released every player!
Chara! And Havlat! Hossa! Heatley!
Hasek! Fisher! Spezza! Even Alfie!

And he stuffed the lineup with prospects. And journeymen AHLers,
His roster would no longer be lowly bottom dwellers!
He extended Colin Greening, Zack Smith, and Erik Condra.
Gone were the days of big names like Petr Bondra!

He cleaned out that dressing room as quick as a flash.
Why, that Euge even took their petty cash!

Even with his weak d-corps, he had another thought.
"And NOW!" grinned the Euge, "I won't re-sign Methot!"
And as the Euge ripped the contract, and it started to tear,
He heard a small sound that came from his youngest pla'er.

He turned around fast, and he saw his young star!
Little Curtis Lazar, still too young for a bar.
The Euge had been caught by his tiny fourth line center,
Who'd got out of bed to grab a beer for his mentor.

He stared at the Euge and said, "Mr. Melnyk, sir, why,”
"Why aren't you building a winning hockey team? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Euge was so smart and so slick,
He thought up an excuse, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the Euge fibbed once more,
"Spending to the cap is something I've tried lots before."
"When we were at the ceiling, our team was disjoint."
"I'll bring us down to the floor. We'll win with cost per point."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head,
Traded his Big Rig for a Molson and he sent him to bed.
And when Little Curtis Lazar went to bed for a nap,
The Euge went back to making room under the cap.

Then the last thing he took,
Before he left on his plane,
The man with a doppelganger would see the end of his reign.
Dave Cameron would take over for ol' Coach MacLean.

And the only cash he left behind in a hurry,
Wasn't even enough to be used by Bryan Murray.
Re-signing his prospects was the least of his worries,
Leaving players on waivers for other teams' Murrays!

It was quarter past dawn... All the fans, still a-bed,
All the fans, still asnooze, United in Red,
He gave them Clarke MacArthur! Kyle Turris! Bobby Ryan!
Stone, Hoffman, and Mika would stop all their cryin'!

Ten thousand miles south, on the beach in Barbados,
He had assembled a team that cost less than potatoes!
"Poo poo to the fans!" he was Eugeishly humming.
"They're finding out now that winning is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Sens fans in O-Town will all cry Woo Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Euge, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Euge put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't happy! Why, this sound sounded scary! It couldn't be so!

But it WAS scary! VERY! He stared down at O-Town! The Euge popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Sens game in O-Town, ever since the fall,
They were losing! Without any spending at all!

He HADN'T stopped the losing from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Euge, with his Euge-feet knee-deep in Barbados sand,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "But it was just like I planned!"
"It came with top prospects! It came with great tenders!"
"It came with long-term deals to bottom two defenders!"

And he meddled for three hours, till his meddler was sore.
Then the Euge thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe winning," he thought, "doesn't come without spending."
"Maybe required for contending!"

And what happened then? O-Town they say,
That the Euge's small wallet grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his purse strings didn't feel quite so tight,
He brought in free agents. The future was bright.

And he brought home the cup! And skated it for a lap!
And he, he himself, the Euge, spent right to the cap!


Thanks for reading everyone! A huge thanks to @Capital_Gains65 and @Gerv_Rebrand for providing the images for this post. Merry Christmas from the entire Bonk's Mullet family, including Kevin, Luke, Gainsy, Brochenski, Steve, Joe, Charles, George, Matty, and Mike!

Have a great holiday everyone, and I hope your team's owner is better to you in the new year!

- Eric
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