LEAKED: Senators' Anti-Mumps Action Plan
by Joe Boughner
The Great Mumps Outbreak of 2014 has taken the NHL by storm. And not like an awesome storm with lots of cool lightning but, like, way out at sea so there's no real damage. No, it's more like a some sort of weird snow/rain storm that makes stuff all gross to look at and does damage but it's still sort of worth joking about because, seriously, what year is this?
Ok, you know what, I suck at storm jokes. I'm like the Florida Panthers of storm jokes.
Anyway, back to mumps.
Earlier in the week, Sens' coach Dave Cameron told TSN 1200 that team officials would be implementing new protocols once the team arrived back in Ottawa from their brief road trip. Cameron wasn't sure exactly what was planned but the hardworking investigative team at Radek Bonk's Mullet did some digging.
|Kyle Turris set off alarm bells after showing up with a piece of Big Rig cheesecake in his cheek.|
"I'm just saving it for later," Turris explained (photo by @Gerv_Rebrand)
The Official Ottawa Senators Guide to Not Getting the Mumps
Effective immediately, all players will receive immunization boosters. Furthermore, we are enacting the following protocols:
- Each player will be assigned a water bottle for their exclusive use. Yes, these will be available in the press box too, Mr. Wiercioch.
- We've enacted a moratorium on trades until we can vet their various mumps prevention strategies. So for the time being, Colin, you can probably unpack your suitcase.
- Trough feedings for The Lehner will continue, though we will erect a containment tent around his feeding space to prevent spray.
- Mumps is known to hit children most severely. To this end, we've assigned Curtis to the World Junior team for a few weeks.
- Team celebrations, or "cellies," will be limited to fist bumping only. Looking at you, Mika.
- A team wide ban on "light a mumps" jokes has also been implemented. This isn't so much about prevention as just human decency. Yes we get it. It's like "light a mup."
Working together, we can keep our team safe!