LEAKED: First-draft script for the Alfie tribute

by Joe Boughner

Heading to the Alfie tribute game on December 4? Here's a sneak peek at what you might be able to expect. My source tells me this is a "very early" draft. He couldn't confirm whose edit marks and annotations are on this copy but he assures me this is a legit draft that reached high levels of the organization.


Alfie Tribute Night - Script

19:00 - Intro segment
(Ed. note: trying to confirm availability of Spartan; can use Stuntman Stu as plan B)
Sens Army! Tonight... we celebrate... (mic should cut out here, for nostalgia reasons). Tonight... we honour... our captain! Well, our former captain! And not the one we traded to Dallas. The one before that!
I call on all of you... to stand up... even if you aren't in that cool new Red Scarf Union section...  and cheer him on to victory! Well, not him. Because he doesn't play here anymore. But his FORMER team! 
Rise up! Rise up and welcome our true hero!! And also your Ottawa Senators!!

19:05 - Video montage
Sens fans, please turn your attention to the Bell HD screen for a special video tribute to your favourite Swedish captain. 

(Ed. note: still confirming we can get the rights to U2's "Beautiful Day" to play with that awesome retrospective of Alfie's career highlights.  In case we can't, we've got a rough cut video using Sens TV footage of his last contract negotiations with a royalty-free version of the Benny Hill theme. Should work in a pinch.)

19:15 - Presentation at centre ice
Sens Army, to welcome our captain back, please welcome some special guests:
  • George Weber, President and CEO of The Royal 
  • Danielle Robinson, President of the Ottawa Senators Foundation
  • Eugene Melnyk, Owner of the Ottawa Senators and close, personal, lifelong friend of Alfie (He is carried in on a throne)
And now please turn to the video screen for special messages from some of Alfie's oldest and most reachable on short notice teammates:
  • Zdeno Chara
  • Mike Fisher
  • Wade Redden
  • Jarkko Ruutu (ed note: this one's... uhm... profane. Though also mostly unintelligible so maybe we run it anyway?)
We'd like to invite Daniel and his family to join us at centre ice for the presentation of a special gift from Mr. Melnyk and the Ottawa Senators Hockey Club.

(Ed note: we weren't able to get a golden hockey stick smelted. Phillips is pretty excited to present him a "Big Rig Gold" hockey sick but as near as I can tell it's just four empty beer cases taped together in the shape of a stick. We may want to look for a plan B. Maybe we can just airbrush that painting we slapped together for the David Legwand 1000th game gift? Throw the Krusty the Clown hair on, change the 17 to an 11...)

"Nailed it!"
"Uh guys, I think Alfie shoots right..."

19:25 - Ceremonial face off
(Ed. note: Alfie needs five pucks in total, one for him and one for each of his sons. Five seems pretty steep so we're offering him three. He says Detroit offered him a ceremony with five but I think he's bluffing).

Now, will Ottawa Senators' captains Erik Karlsson, Chris Neil and Chris Phillips, and Islanders captain John Tavares please come to centre ice for the ceremonial faceoff.
And of course, tonight is a family affair. Joining Daniel Alfredsson are his sons: Hugo, Loui, Fenix and William. Joining Chris Neil are his kids: Hailey, Cole and Finn. Joining Chris Phillips are his kids: Ben, Niomi, Zowie and Curtis. And joining Erik Karlsson is that Swedish guy that took over his instagram last summer.

19:30 - Anthems
Now please rise and join retired OPP Constable Lyndon Slewidge, as he performs the Star Spangled Banner, O' Canada and - as a special tribute - ABBA's "Dancing Queen," the national anthem of Sweden.
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