BREAKING: BEST DAY EVER
by Bonk's Mullet
The Ottawa Senators held a press conference this morning to announce that this is the best day ever.
The nature of the press conference was immediately evident with both Erik Karlsson and Bobby Ryan present.
It was no surprise when Eugene Melnyk stepped up to the microphone and announced, "This is the best day ever."
|The next coming. (Photo by Canadian Press)|
With a beaming smile on his face, the Sens owner continued, "I am pleased to announce that the Ottawa Senators have extended Bobby Ryan for 7 years. This includes a no-trade clause and a restraining order on the Philadelphia Flyers, who must remain at least three outstretched arms lengths from Bobby. They are also required to stop claiming Cherry Hill, New Jersey as part of Philadelphia. It's just great news for this organization."
With all the press in attendance already giving a thunderous standing ovation, Melnyk dropped another bombshell. "It is my pleasure to announce Erik Karlsson as the 9th captain of the Ottawa Senators. He is undeniably the biggest badass in this organization's history. We have also approved his request to bedazzle his jersey."
As the press hooted and hollered, as press often do, Melnyk put his hands up. "But wait, there's more," as a curtain lifted to reveal Daniel Alfredsson, decked out in gold chains. "Daniel Alfredsson has been named mayor of Ottawa. Forever."
Who saw that coming? Not the press, because by this point they're all just making out. "It's a great honour to be named the 45th mayor of Ottawa," said everyone's first or second favourite Swede. "As my first act as mayor, I have completed the construction of the citywide LRT - with my bare hands."
Suddenly, Chris Phillips and Chris Neil, who are the only two remaining people seated in the room, are ejected through the ceiling.
"That was my second act," said Alfie.
"And now for the good news." The ground began to shake. Picture frames of Alexei Yashin and Dany Heatley crashed down to the floor as the Canadian Tire Center's foundation tore out of the earth. Without explanation, the entire building, along with the largest parking lot in Eastern Ontario, was hurdling towards the downtown area. Within minutes, the building had gently placed down in Lebreton Flats, with Friends of Lansdowne as the only casualties. The arena was finally downtown.
By this point, thousands of woodland creatures were gathered around Ottawa's greatest heroes, as they delivered more good news. "We've decided to ditch the senturion from all team branding, including jerseys," said someone (it was hard to tell at this point, what with all the fireworks going off and all). "We're turning to the heritage O full time, thanks to no longer being idiots."
"We are also replaying the 2007 Stanley Cup finals, except this time with Chara instead of Redden. The Ducks will ice the roster from the second Mighty Ducks movie. They are actually just actors and quite bad at hockey."
With unicorns grazing from his hand, Paul MacLean announced that both Craig Anderson and Robin Lehner would start every game.
From his hovercraft, Bryan Murray announced that he was given free reign to spend above the cap, and that he had already signed Sidney Crosby and Wayne Gretzky and a whole bunch of other really awesome guys. "Check Capgeek," he said.
In a final act of grandeur, Eugene Melnyk shot himself into the sun, and the people of Ottawa were collectively named owners of the team. "Oh, what the heck," said Don Brennan, as he too flung himself into the sun, confirming that this was in fact, the best day ever.
In celebration, the people of Ottawa threw a big party and nobody was ever unhappy again, thanks to the best day ever.