Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings - December 2013
by Chet Sellers
After a boisterous off-season and start to the year, the Senators kept it pretty quiet on social media during the month of November. Why, you ask? Losing? I'd say losing. It's hard to justify posting a selfie next to a 72 oz. steak or soliciting opinions on paint swatches for next year's jet ski when you're not getting it done on the ice. One exception is a guy who's getting it done both on the ice and in life, a guy who's mostly-dormant Twitter account exploded this month. Of course I'm talking about our new #1 . . .
1) Robin Lehner (last month: 6)
You know what? Forget the analysis - just roll the tape.
Introducing the @Senators own versions of #lehnereyes @b_ryan9 @conhockey19 @RobinLehner pic.twitter.com/q5V9ykztlP
- Matt Kassian (@kassassination) November 8, 2013
Lehner is a Swedish version of shrek:) pic.twitter.com/mvV62IMnI2
- Robin Lehner (@RobinLehner) November 10, 2013
Invitation said formal. Lehner dresses how he wants. #LehnerFacts pic.twitter.com/dbnaQiI2b0
- Capital Gains (@Capital_Gains65) November 15, 2013
This is how pancakes should look folks;) pic.twitter.com/ucO5n75ssi
- Robin Lehner (@RobinLehner) November 29, 2013
2) Bobby Ryan (last month: 1)
bobby ryan, now: man, playing with these guys is fun. we'll get better.
bobby ryan, landing in ottawa tonight: HOW much snow? *calls agent*
- Chet Sellers (@chet_sellers) November 28, 2013
When's the last time Senators fans freaked out this much over a player who was almost two years from free agency? You've gotta play it cool, Sens fans - keep things light, show some interest, but always subtly hint at having other options. Be mysterious, not desperate. And anyway, there's no point freaking out about the upcoming Bobbycision; if he hadn't already made up his mind about staying in Ottawa long-term, he almost certainly did getting off the plane last Wednesday night to 25 cm of snow. To their credit, the team asked him about it:
Not exactly a ringing endorsement (pay your condo fees, dude). It also didn't calm the nerves of jittery Ottawa fans when Ryan demonstrated considerably more enthusiasm about playing in his hometown of Philadelphia this month:
Welcome to Gods country @MarcMethot3 what are the chances you bury a cheesesteak tonight?
- Bobby Ryan (@b_ryan9) November 18, 2013
But you know what? Nobody knows anything. It snows in Philadelphia, too, and let's be honest - the adult move is to find a successful career in a new town at least a few hours from home - that way you can still visit easily, but you're not expected at family dinner every Sunday. Smart.
@erbjr9 why am I tagged in the tweet? I don't introduce myself to people as cherry hill native bobby Ryan
- Bobby Ryan (@b_ryan9) November 20, 2013
Maybe it's cool being the king of a snowy million. Nobody knows anything.
3) Erik Karlsson (last month: 2)
Even wearing an apron for todays launch of my own blend @Bridgehead #ek65bridgehead pic.twitter.com/anoQ5SLBgC
- Erik Karlsson (@ErikKarlsson65) November 29, 2013
This picture is sepia-toned so you know it's a historic event. What's fun about the launch of Karlsson's coffee is that it pretty much positions him as the exact opposite of fellow defenseman Chris Phillips, at least with respect to Phillips' production of Big Rig Brew.
What do I mean? Well, coffee is an urbane drink with European connotations; beer is considered less sophisticated and quintessentially Canadian. Caffeine, of course, is a stimulant; alcohol is a depressant. Coffee is ready pretty much right away; beer is slower to produce. Coffee can be enjoyable alone; beer is best when surrounded by others. And of course, you can put the two together, even on the first-unit power play, but then you get one of those coffee-flavoured porters that people only pretend to enjoy.
4) Chris Phillips (last month: NR)
|"Looks like there's a new coach in town. Yeaaaaaaaaaah."|
The great thing about Phillips' mustache is its versatility. There are endless ways to style it; for example, here's "Guy Who Plays Too Rough in Beer League":
Here's "Suspended College Professor":
And here's "Boardwalk Empire Hitman":
The great thing about that last pic is that Matt Kassian is dressed like a Metallica roadie making a court appearance.
5) Jason Spezza (last month: 4)
|This awkward heritage jersey moment brought to you by OV Beer. OV - shut up and drink'er, bud.|
It's amazing that more of Spezza's child modelling pictures haven't come to light after all these years - they may be pre-internet, but there have to be hard copies in a box somewhere. If anyone out there can find any, we're offering the richest bounty we have (a signed David Rundblad hat) for the exclusive. In the meantime, we're left scrutinizing 0:14-0:15 of this video trying to figure out if it's really him:
6) Marc Methot (last month: NR)
|Marc Methot, being cyberbullied.|
- "Hey man, I don't make fun of whatever your job is, even though you probably suck at it."
- "Too bad for you there's no Olympics for rudeness."
- "Can't hear you, bro, my ears are plugged . . . with self-confidence."
Clarke MacArthur makes the big list this month for showing off the same kind of heads-up, low-post awareness that's made him a breath of fresh air on the ice, where he's just as used to being surrounded by guys who can't hit the net. Come on, guys. I haven't seen picks that soft since our last Tweets of the Week. *rimshot, large MAYOR sash falls on me*
8) Small Dogs (last month: NR)
I like to mock the fact that a lot of big, tough-guy athletes have tiny dogs, but maybe there's something to it? Like it's an indicator of confidence? On the small-dog side of things you've got Zibanejad, Condra, and Karlsson; the big-dog guys are Turris, Kassian, Gryba, and Lehner. Give the teacup team a league-average goaltender and I think they're winning a 3-on-3 tournament pretty easily, don't you? Is there a statistically significant correlation with performance here? Should dog size be something Pierre Dorion starts scouting for?
Folks, it's been a slow month.
9) Mika Zibanejad (last month: 5)
Nice Swedish lunch! #hungry #swedishfood #meatballs pic.twitter.com/5u65YuzO4H
- Mika Zibanejad (@MikaZibanejad) November 16, 2013
The only one of those three I'll give you is "Swedish".
10) Derek Grant (last month: NR)
Pigeons are the only bird in the world that do not have to lift their head to swallow water. #pigeonfacts 🐦
- Derek Grant (@DGrant57) November 15, 2013
Unless separated, pigeons mate for life. #pigeonfacts 🐦
- Derek Grant (@DGrant57) November 16, 2013
Pigeons flock together in large numbers to protect themselves. #pigeonfacts 🐦
- Derek Grant (@DGrant57) November 17, 2013
Sure, what the hell. See you next month!
NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; dropping "for now" in a boss-like way; casual wear that's comfortable AND supportive; the children: our future.